by Adam M. Wilcox
Know ye of days long past, when the writer was young, and the tales of swords and wenches was weaved from the truly lost flick of the mists of Legendry. I remember seeing this joint on HBO back in the 80s. I am revealing a dark secret that I was once a fan of movies such as this. Conan The Barbarian, Excalibur, Beastmaster, and of course this one. I remember the three things that always made me remember this one was the ridiculous sword that fired three blades, though having seen this movie a thousand times, I have yet to figure out how it works. Where is the damn trigger? What makes it work? Gun Powder? Springs? Mists of legendry? There is the 80’s practical effects make up for this movie that makes it border on a midnight horror movie. I mean the Xusia the Sorcerer looks a bit like Freddy Krueger, and E.T. had a love child that nobody ever heard of. And of course, the name of our title character Talon! Such a cool name.
Let’s talk about our hero first before we get into the meat and potatoes of this movie. Talon, is a hero, who has a tragic back story set up, only to reveal that several years later, he becomes a scoundrel that pretty much lives by his own rules. We only view him as a hero because he has his own awesome theme music that plays whenever he enters a room. I can only imagine what it would be like to have my own theme music that plays whenever I enter a room, but all I hear is the Benny Hill theme for some reason. Anyways we hear this theme music play when he enters a room in slow motion while chewing on a leg of beef as he watches and attempted rape in progress. Ladies and gentleman, your hero! Yes the 80s were fucked up. Thar be dangerous plotlines that might not fit into politically correct waters going forward so proceed at ye own risk lads and lassies.
The movie opens up with Cromwell and his army rowing ashore at the entrance of a cave at the end of the world among mists of Legendre. Look, before we go any further, I had this movie only on a shitty tape I copied from HBO once, and then later on a DVD that almost never played. At the time of this review, the only copy I could find, was a Rifftrax version on Amazon prime, and they used that “mysts of legendry” bit so much that it has become part of my daily vernacular, so please deal with it! Titus Cromwell is our bad guy played by the forever ugly Richard Lynch, who was the Dollar General version of Christopher Walken in the 80s. He’s a pretty slimy bastard, with a pointy nose that could cut through the mists of….GOD DAMMIT… Anyways…
We cut to the entrance of a cave, where our not so Grace Jones looking sea witch yells mumbo jumbo bippitty boppitty boo over a crypt decorated with a lot of gooey faces. Xusia who is played by Bull from Night Court comes to life, and pulls his “who woke me up on the Sunday after Superbowl bit”. As Witch Hazel tries to start sexy time by licking the buffalo sauce off of Xusia’s fingers. Cromwell basically promises Xusia a free pony, and tickets to Blue Man Group if he helps Cromwell defeat his goody two shoes opponent and become king of…Adennnnn…..something? er…not Detroit. Of course to prove that Xusia can do anything other than card tricks, he Force throws the Witch Jones against the wall, and pulls her heart out of her chest without moving a single step. This gag was really big in The Temple of Doom!
Anyways in a not so shocking turn of events, Dollar General Walken pulls the old double cross on Xusia and stabs him in the chest, and leaves him for dead. We cut to young Talon getting his sword, watching both of his parents get slaughtered by Cromwell and his band of blue meanies, and not doing much of anything about it except showing us that the sword fires a blade and shoots it at one of the guards before riding off on a horse with a couple of his digits nailed to a tree.
We see him doing his best impression of A Knight in King’s Court with 3 blades back in his sword pointing it at the sky atop a cliff by the sea. No less than a minute later, we cut back from the sea to the exact same cliff, and it’s Lee Horsley as Talon, who is now a pirate, a general, a mercenary, third member in the barbershop quartet, member of the royal order of loyal water buffalos, a hooker, and a member of the volunteer fire department. Lee Horsely went on to do mostly TV shows like Matt Houston, and Love Boat after this, so he never had the same luck as Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger after this, so don’t get too excited. After watching this movie you can see why? Remember that awesome theme music I wast telling you about? Yeah that stuff was written and composed by David Whitaker whose previous works mostly involve low rent smut, but trust me the music sounds a lot more awesome than this movie probably deserves. It may sound like I am shitting on this movie, but trust me when I say this review comes from a place of love. See the music IS in fact Lee Horsley’s personality. A lot of Lee Horsely’s performance in this movie involves him looking stupidly into the camera, or looking at somebody with one expression. The expression is basically that of somebody that farted about 23 seconds ago, and is just waiting for the reaction of the first person that notices…WHO CUT THE CHEESE?! WERE YOU BORN IN A BARN? WHAT ARE YOU? SOME KIND OF LEE HORSLEY?
We flash to another revolution happening, lead not so cleverly by Mikah who serves as the master of exposition dumps and yet cannot understand why his plots keep becoming easily overturned by King Cromwell McPointynose. He’s betrayed by one of the members of Spinal Tap, and tossed into a dungeon ran by former WWF rejects who are addicted to baby oil, torture, and bad puns. Mikah’s sister Alana manages to stab a guard and get away, but you will quickly learn that in THIS movie, wounds are only mortal if the plot needs them to be so. This guard tracks down Alana in a matter of seconds and the first rape attempt begins with whimsical music playing until the hero cue music changes and Talon enters the room gnawing a cow leg, wondering if he wants to get involved before or after the guards notice he farted 23 seconds ago. After he finally makes a small weenie joke, and beats the shit out of her attackers, they go to a tent. Alana offers Talon a shit load of monopoly money if he will help break her brother out of Cromwell’s Dungeons. And in a surprising turn of events, Talon wants a one day lay in the hay with Alana in turn for busting her brother out. After being almost raped 10 minutes ago…seems fair right? So our “hero” decides to do this thing. And this is where things get even more bizarre.
I mentioned that Talon is a hero only by the cue of music, and his whimsical fart face right? Wait until you see his stealth skills. After shouting at some guy who has a map to a sewer, they run underground to get into the dungeons. There might be some rats. And Talon heroically saves the day by…kicking over a conveniently placed barrel of oil, and lighting it on fire. No normal man could have pulled off this act of stratagem! Wow, no wonder he is a general!
Once he does bumbleboob his way into the prison though, he finds that one of the prisoners was once the architect that built the castle, above the prison. Deus Ex Machina be damned to HELL! Things get a little fuzzy here, because there are some plot points that I have left out as not to bore the reader, but I just want to focus on the more banal aspects of this mess. Talon does get into the prison, people are freed, and he DOES fight King Nose Job at one point, but does get away, and disguises himself as a guard for a bit. Around this time, we flash to one of Talons’ other mercenaries, and many of his men who are all in a brothel. Word from one of Cromwell’s wenches is that Talon had been captured, and I shit you not, some deadlocked Bob Marly on steroids looking dude announces himself as Captain Morgan…no seriously….this time. They agree to go bail Talon out of prison. Did I mention, that Talon in this movie is a bit like Farris Buehler? Everyone seems to know him. A lot of things happened off-screen, and everyone seems to owe him one for one reason or another. Save Talon you heartless wench!!! 30 seconds later, Captain Morgan, and Talon’s men are yelling at each other from jail cells.
After more bumbling and awesome Indiana Jones like music, Talon does finally get captured, and it is announced via exposition dump that Talon is to be crucified at Cromwell’s wedding. See Cromwell is convinced that Talon is actually Xusia the Sorcerer in disguise. Oh yeah, remember there was a sorcerer in this sword and sorcerer movie!? Yes, King Walkenwannabee is going to marry Alana because we need to rescue a maiden in this movie, and so far, she has served no purpose to this story other than set our “hero” on his journey. So then we flash to crucifixion. Yep. Our bumbling smelt it and dealt it hero is nailed to a cross, with a ball gag in his mouth, while the board of directors of the NFL wine dine, and try not to drool on themselves while getting drunk on wine. And of course we get back to that Ferris Buehler moment again, where two rich white dudes talk to each other, and say “hey isn’t that Talon? We owe him a debt for what he did for us”. Well thanks for sparing us of THAT detail movie, I am sure there was a really good reason to not sit and watch some dude die on cross while you shove grapes into your mouth ya jack ass.
Now Captain Morgan and the rest of his band of merry idiots are freed by Cromwell’s whores. So of course they show up at the wedding just as the reverend is about to marry the two, Talon actually pulls both of his hands off the nails, and yells “KAHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNN…..er sorry wrong movie….CROOOOOOOMMMMWELLLL!!!! Then we get the big action pay off, and honestly, as many times as I have seen it. It’s pretty fucking awesome. The music is awesome, I don’t know who is fighting who, but I don’t care, heads are rolling, music is swelling, some of it is in slow motion. I love every minute of it.
Eventually King Needlenose, and Talon do fight, but in another scene, we have Spinal Tap running down Alana as she is trying to escape. Yeah she is REALLY SHITTY at trying to get away. Alana tries to seduce Spinal Tap, and realizes that something is afoot when she thrusts her foot into Spinal Tap’s wedding tackle only to realize that nothing is there. Of course this pissed off Spinal Tap so much, that he just decides to pull of his clothes AND his skin to reveal he is Xusia. True story time. Richard Bull Moll from Night Court was only actually Xusia in the first scene. He had serious problems with the contact lenses so all of the other scenes in the movie was somebody else disguised and Xusia, and Richard Moll dubbed in his lines in post. So the master of disguise is played by several other people. Eat your heart out Zartan from G.I. Joe!
Of course, our bumbling hero now reunited with his triple bladed sword is running down Cromwell when he bumps into Xusia trying to slip Alana the old E.T. phone home gag, and his best response is “I have no quarrel with you! It is Cromwell I am after.” Xusia says: “Cromwell’s flesh shall be mine.” Talon say’s “Well now we have a quarell”. Of course Xusia tries to E.T. phone home Talon as well, but don’t act like you didn’t see THIS one coming, he fires one of the blades at Xusia and he falls back. This is where the fun begins. King Beef Cromwellington smiles at Talon. Talon smiles back, fires the other blade at the stone wall, to indicate this is going to be a “fair fight”, and of course when these two fight again we get more sparks than Yankee Stadium on the 4th of July. At one point, Talon’s sword breaks, and he pulls a tiny sword out of the bottom of the hilt. I fucking love this scene. Next, Cromwellwellwell loses his sword, but he has a baton that he’s been carrying through the entire movie, except now a switch blade comes out of each end of it. At this point, I can’t tell if the movie has been trolling me, or if the props master was just tripping balls and said fuck it. These two fight some more, and suddenly in Talon’s gauntlet he pulls a Robocop, and yet ANOTHER fucking dagger comes out, and that is the one he finally kills King Christopher Walkenose with. Finally he reveals that he is Talon, son of the dude you killed at the end of the movie.
Talon gives the crown back to Mikah, Alana runs off happily to go “settle up” with Talon, as everyone chants his name. Then we cut to Talon back on the sea cliff with his men. All the blades back on his sword fixed. And “now it’s off to Maladon, to save Lambotia’s kingdom”. Some random asshole walks up and tells Talon he want’s to join up. Yes movie let’s introduce a random dude at the end of the movie and show us from his backside looking at General You Smelled it you Dealt it face, as he says “well then….we have a battle to offer, Kingdoms to save and women to love!!!” And they ride off into the sunset!
No post credits sequence, nobody had time for that shit in the 80’s but just at the fade to black we do get “Watch for Talon’s Next Adventure Tales of the Ancient Empire coming soon!” proving that people pulled that shit back in the 80s too. Coming soon was as soon as 2010 with Talon being played by Kevin Sorbo. Another lost flick for another review.
I know it seems like I am ripping this movie to shreds, but believe me I actually love cheese like this. It is why I got into writing these reviews in the first place. It is true lost flick. I mean it. I can’t even find a decent DVD copy for anything short of $66 dollars on Ebay. I mean I love it, but I don’t love it for $66. I would give this one 3 out of 5 cheese curds, just for its effort, cinematography, practical effects, and awesome score. It wasn’t a big budget movie, but back in the 80s nobody knew what a budget on a movie was. We just went and saw stuff if we thought it looked good. This one at least looks like it had a high production value, and it was Albert Pyun’s directorial debut, so I got to give him a pass, even if he jumped the shark of hoping for a sequel right away. I can even get past the fact that the damn Sorceror only pulls like two or three magic tricks in the whole movie. He can push people, make them hold really still, or pull a heart out of a chest, but only once!
Eventually I will track down this on DVD, but for now, I have movies to trash and reviews to write!
Adam will be back with his review of Deathstalker coming soon!