Category: Editorials

Rambo: Last Blood, A Raiders of the Lost Flicks review

by Adam M. Wilcox

It is difficult to spoil a movie with an 89 minute run time. As you may have gathered, most of the movie is explained to you by the awesome trailers. I still don’t like to do spoilers, so if some of my descriptions seem vague, it is by design.

This movie is not Shane. Shane wore a white cowboy hat.

What does the trailer tell the audience? Rambo has assimilated himself back into rural society. Some shit goes bad, and there will be Hell to pay. The movie wastes absolutely zero time of it’s 89 minute run time setting up exactly what you would expect from a movie like this. That is both blessing, and a detriment at the same time. Allow me to explain. Stallone has been successful all of these years by being able to come to terms about what he is capable of, his audience’s expectations, as well as the motivations of the characters he has created over the years. Rocky Balboa, is the loser who got a second chance at life, and went against all odds to prove a point, and won over the hears of many as lovable goon with a huge heart, and a winning spirit. Rambo, is a killer Green Beret Vietnam vet who was unable to rejoin society after the war. In a last minute split decision, it was decided not to kill off Rambo at the end of the movie First Blood, and that paved the way for a series of sequels. All of them dealt with his inability to live a normal life. Whether he was killing Caucasian mountain sheriffs, Vietnamese prison guards, Russian military men, or Burmese military, one thing we can all agree on is that Rambo is an equal opportunity murder machine. So why should murdering a group of Mexican sex traffickers be any different? Only the internet seems to know for sure.

“For that last time Hugo, I told you…it’s only technically a “man bun”, if I take it up another inch vertically! And I don’t drink White Claw!”

I don’t like to read or watch any reviews before I watch a movie, because I often find myself trying to see what others saw in a movie, and now I am no longer looking at it from my eyes, but rather trying to see it from somebody else’s perspective. I hate that I think that way, but it’s impossible to shake, and most of the time I fail to see where others are coming from anyways. So this time I did something different for my review. I ignored the articles, avoided the videos, and just went to the show. However I DID unfortunately glance upon a few headlines on the way out the door, so I agreed to read them on a live stream on my channel as soon as I got home from the movie. I read four separate single star reviews with very outrageously click bait headlines. I refuse to acknowledge, or cite those sources, but I will leave a link to my video below this review. One thing I saw in common among all reviews is that “it’s 2019…(enter any problematic hot spot you wish here)”. So what these critics are telling film makers is that you have to be sensitive now, because 2019 said so. Motherfucker, this is RAMBO, not Creed, not The Shape of Water, not Dora The Explorer either. May I remind you that this whole world existed before 2019, pre-MCU, and action heroes ruled the wastelands of entertainment. Bigger than life heroes doing unrealistic things while spitting out bad one liners faster than you can say “he’s dead tired!”. Many of the people that enjoyed those movies are still in fact alive, and maybe even miss some of that 80’s machismo. Rambo was one of the big ones that dominated that era. This movie is made for THAT crowd, not the hypersensitive cancel culture. Also, don’t mind the 12 thousand robots outside waiting to call my review “problematic”, pay no attention. Don’t feed the trolls. Now that I have got that shit out of the way, let’s move on to an actual movie review.

It’s called Rambo! It is not going to win any Oscars. It’s going to evoke some masculinity like the franchise it comes from! It is not for everyone!

Last Blood waists no time setting up the third act. If you have seen movies like Death Wish, The Unforgiven, or even Home Alone, you kind of get where this is going. The downside to this, is that other characters that are in this film exist as plot points, and do not actually take on any personality to speak of. There is sadly just no development here. This is where I would have preferred the movie to be a bit longer, at least give us some time to know these people. The good guys, OR the bad guys. We already know Rambo from previous films.

“Where in the wild world of sports is Crocodile Dundee when you actually need him?”

The western vibe that you got from the trailer is a bit of a ruse. He is working on a ranch, and much of the action does take place there. But if you are waiting for a proper western which I honestly was kind of hoping it would be, you would be better to stick with Logan, or The Unforgiven. Like I said, this one is a bit more Death Wish, but somewhat shorter. So pacing is very fast, story is very light, and all of it is only to service the final act.

“Think Tough! Ram Tough, or Chevy Tough! Whatever! I was never good at commercials!”

The final act is where the movie actually pays off. If it has been a long while since you sat with your friends at the latest Friday The 13th sequel to watch the “awesome kills”, then you are in for a shockingly good time. It is at this point where music plays, and I refuse to tell you all what song is playing, but I will give you a hint, it is NOT Drowning Pool’s “Bodies”, but most will recognize it. I recognize that this is the director’s subtle way of acknowledging his true audience, those that came for the kills, so buckle up the ride. And killing is what Rambo does best as he slices, dices, and blows heads off in graphic gory glory. Some audience members were actually laughing at this, and I found no problem with that. This is pure escapism folks. It’s not pro Trump, anti-Mexican, (the focus of the film is the rescue of his very Mexican niece after all), or “toxic masculinity” which I believe is code for 80’s machismo murder boners make me feel icky, so I will call it problematic on the internet. In other words, some of the BS in these reviews is really stretching. Although when you spend 75% of your life bitching on Twitter about all of the alleged “problematic” talking points I listed above of course your going to see these things if you are really looking for them. So what passage in Moby Dick did you highlight today? (Ten brownie points if you get that reference, FUCK I AM OLD!)

When Kevin McCallister approached his 70’s, he began to realize that micro machines were no longer available since Toys R’ Us closed, so he was forced to improvise.

So I am saying it’s not great, it’s also not bad. That being said, I can’t cheat myself, or my audience, so my review is going to be a three out of five cheese curds. It is definitely worth a look. It is perfectly serviceable entertainment that actually makes me more excited that Tango And Cash, and Cobra sequels might be coming, so I hope that this movie makes all of the monies in the world so we can get more movies like this. Maybe a trip back to 80’s Machismo is exactly what we are missing in 2019, and Robert Rodriguez is listening folks!

Watch as I address questions in the chat, and from my panel of talented idiots! Also forgive my webcam which keeps kicking off my studio mic. Sorry in advance for the shitty sound on my end.

Once Upon a Time In…Hollywood, A Raiders of the Lost Flicks Review…sort of…

Margot Robbie is the plot of the film. Reject this hypothesis…

by Groovinator, The Cynical Cyborg

Video reviews are more reactionary. Especially something that’s still new in a movie theater. For the old movies on Cynical Cyborg Cinema, there will only be minor alterations between video and written, because I’m usually going for a series of feelings, and jokes, rather than try to convince you to see this movie. This one will be a little more different than my video material.

I tend to avoid reading, or watching other videos when I write a review, because I want that reaction to be as genuinely fresh as possible. I did that, and then I decided to watch some reviews on YouTube after I uploaded my own just to see if I happened to say the same things as other critics. So far the only thing I repeated was that Once Upon a Time In…Hollywood is a Tarentino style love letter to Hollywood, and that Brad Pitt, and Leonardo DiCaprio had very good on screen chemistry. It’s true about it being a love letter to Hollywood, as a snapshot of a bygone era. Tarantino is coming close to the end of his career (he has committed to doing only 10 films), and that’s damn impressive considering all of his movies have been either critical, and or, commercial successes. 10 seems like a nice round number. Point I’m getting at, is he doesn’t have to take shit from anyone, doesn’t have to prove himself to anyone, and doesn’t have to make any apologies for anything. So when I see clickbait trash journalists poke him with a stick, it gives me a great feeling of satisfaction to snap back at one of them without hesitation.

Splish splash I was drunk off my ass…

One of the complaints I hear about this one is feet, and I am kind sad I didn’t mention it, but as I stated in my video review…the movie left me with an uplifting positive feeling of satisfaction when I left the theater. That’s what stayed with me between yesterday and today. Yes Quentin has a foot fetish. It’s in all of his films. It never really distracts from the movie, but he does have a thing with feet. Dirty feet. In this one he makes those feet as prominent as possible. Nasty dirty feet right in the center of the damn screen as if it’s Tarantino’s way of saying “take THAT audiences! How you like me now?”

So then she asks me if I was circumcised…

The other complaint I hear is some people feel the length. I can understand that criticism. For the past ten years the most popular movies at the box office have been Marvel Studios Cinematic Universe, or MCU. We’ve gone from having one of those a year to 2 or 3 in a given year now. Not saying those movies are bad, but they do have a very similar formula in that every single one of them has a familiar cadence to delivery of dialogue. Every scene has to count. Every single scene in the movie has to check a specific demographic. Most movies have tried to replicate this formula in hope of replicating the amount of revenue that those movies bring. Most average people see about 3 or 4 movies in a theater a year. Chances are, at least two of those are probably Marvel Movies. So what I am saying is that audiences have been trained to except a certain type of delivery. They expect to see revelations after the credits. They expect a certain number of jokes. The Marvel formula you will! A lot of people seeing movies now might not remember Tarantino movies, where you get long discussions about piercings, elaborate descriptions about milk shakes, hamburgers, or Madonna’s Big Dick. Also this movie is a bit of a throwback film as are many of Tarantino’s earlier releases. This one has long establishing shots of people eating, dancing, or driving a car for 10 minutes while listening to the radio. There is one scene where Pitt and DiCaprio are watching a scene on an old TV set. Not sure why, but I enjoyed the Hell out of those scenes, because I am old enough to remember those kind of movies and what they were like. In other words, I remember what movies were like before the MCU cannibalized the cinaplexes around the world.

Dirty feet, in your face. Smell my feet, audiences!!!

This one is admittedly less violent than most Tarantino movies which was a massive surprise, but it was also refreshing to see that he wasn’t putting these scenes in a movie just to tic a checkbox for people with short attention spans.

I am so not falling for this “Black Friday Door Buster” bullshit again. Not even…

I mentioned that I sat through 20 fucking minutes of trailers I’ve either already seen, or movies that I don’t care about. This movie didn’t make me bored or uncomfortable, or impatient. I was falling in love with a good movie. Something I haven’t felt in a long time.

Show don’t tell. Tarantino shows you where STDs come from, he doesn’t have to tell you…

The last complaint I heard was that the “story” isn’t necessarily resolved as far as Brad Pitt’s motives. I think that’s open to your own interpretation. Some people may have forgot a movie called Pulp Fiction that is basically an assemblage of vignettes made to look like footage that was cut from a bigger movie, and deliberately shown out of sequence. I personally have to admit that I like a movie that is shown in order. There is a story here, and everything does happen in order, and things are set up for a reason, and I admit that not ALL plot points are completely spelled put for you with flashy lights and arrows, but I didn’t walk away confused. I was deeply satisfied by the resolution of this Hollywood fairy tale. I still feel after at least 24 hours of reflection, that my perfect score of 5 out of 5 cheese curds is justified and true.

So this asshole who calls himself Chuck, says he pissed into a truck’s gas tank once, and created Optimus Prime?!

In an age where movies are announced with powerpoints that show roadmaps and “phases”, for movies that will be coming out long after I am dust and rust. I am getting instantly bored out of my skull knowing every single movie coming out for the next 25 years or so. Sooo…you will have to forgive me if I might have glossed over dirty nasty feet, long scenes of driving, talking and eating, and plots that aren’t explained with crayons and lights. I went to see the kind of movie that I’d been waiting for, and am left with both a deep satisfaction, and a melancholy feeling, that Hollywood has changed so much that I don’t recognize it anymore.

Groovinator Reviews latest Tarantino Film.

The Guilty Pleasure of Godzilla Movies: A Retrospective.

by Reality’s Frank

Recently, as I progressed through the marathon of my entire DVD collection, I’ve come to the “G” section and watched every Godzilla movie in order of production with only three exceptions: “Godzilla King Of The Monsters,” “Godzilla’s Revenge,” and the 1998 American Godzilla. I skipped Godzilla KOTM because it’s just “Gojira” with a few new scenes featuring Raymond Burr added in. “Godzilla’s Revenge” was skipped because frankly it’s embarrassing to watch, being more focused on some stupid kid who fantasizes about being friends with Godzilla’s son, Manilla (pronounced “Meen-ya”). And finally the American Godzilla was skipped because if it were a food, it would be Campbell’s Cream of Asshole Soup.

Now interestingly enough, watching the entire Godzilla franchise reveals no less than four separate continuities or timelines. This is played out with time travel, re-launches, and flat-out mistakes. And so, in the interest of fun and completely wasted time, I thought I’d explore this.

The first movie, “Gojira,” was released in Japan in 1954. It was groundbreaking stuff. Naturally there were many giant monster movies in that time period, such as “King Kong” and “Earth Vs. The Spider,” but “Gojira” revolutionized the genre. Before, the monsters had always been obvious visual effects: Kong was a puppet brought to life with stop-go animation, while The Spider was literally just close-up footage of a normal spider superimposed in the movie alongside the rest of the actors and backgrounds. But “Gojira” was completely different. In “Gojira,” the monster was a guy in a rubber suit tromping around a fully detailed miniature city which ensured two things: the monster would always be in scale to his surroundings, and the monster could really interact with his environment.

Now the most important fact to take away from “Gojira” in regards to this piece is the fact that at the end of the movie, Gojira is clearly killed and completely destroyed. I mean he’s gone, wiped out, finito. Elvis has left the building. One year later, (and Toho was good at turning out a new movie on a yearly basis) Toho released a sequel called “Godzilla Raids Again.” Blah blah details, blah blah plot, and in the end Godzilla is lured into a box canyon on a glacial island and buried under hundreds of tons of ice, end of movie.

After GRA was released, Toho decided to give this particular monster a break to focus on other movies such as Mothra and Rodan. But one noteworthy thing happened during this time: “Godzilla Raids Again” was re-titled “Gigantis the Fire Monster” for the American release, even though this was clearly bullshit. The new dialogue written for the English dubbed version suggests that Gigantis is a different monster than Gojira with a completely different origin, with a bunch of crappy stock footage thrown in to back up the history of the monsters, but fortunately this was overlooked and never mentioned again.

Seven years later, Toho remembered that they really liked making money, so they decided to go back to what they knew worked and produced “King Kong Vs. Godzilla.” This movie was primarily stupid, especially considering the original script was actually supposed to be about a gigantic Frankenstein monster, but was changed at the last minute to Kong. But it did set the tone of the movies from then on. Every Godzilla movie that came out over the next thirteen years, from “King Kong Vs. Godzilla” to “Terror of Mechagodzilla,” was done according to the funky 60’s and 70’s film making style, with ridiculous music and some really idiotic camera work. However, the continuity of the series remained fairly constant, with a few slips here and there but no glaring contradictions.

After “Terror of Mechagodzilla,” Toho once again decided to put Godzilla on hiatus for another ten years until 1985, when they released a movie alternately called “Godzilla,” “Godzilla Returns,” or “Godzilla ’85.” This movie kick-started the second continuity in which every movie since the first “Gojira” was completely forgotten about, much like how “Superman Returns” disregards parts 3 and 4. In “Godzilla ’85” the new monster goes back to his roots, he’s no longer the protector of the Earth who frequently teamed up with other monsters and performed victory dances, instead he’s once again a terror who appears from the sea to destroy Tokyo and to feed on the energy from the nuclear power plants.

So now Toho had finally deleted the lasting embarrassment of the films from the 60’s and 70’s by striking them all from the record, just like pretty much everything in the “Highlander” franchise after the second movie, and yet they STILL never mention where this new Godzilla comes from as the first Gojira was still quite dead.

This new Godzilla lasted until 1991 when Toho released “Godzilla Vs. King Ghidorah.” This is the movie that not only kick-starts the third continuity, but also further confuses the series. In this movie, time travelers from the 2200’s come back to present day Japan to warn of an impending attack by Godzilla that will completely destroy the entire country, so they convince the nation’s leaders to let them take a small group of scientists and journalists back in time with them to 1945 near the end of the second world war. It is here for the first time that we see Godzilla’s true origin: he was an actual T-Rex that defended the Japanese soldiers by scaring away the American troops, although he was badly injured in the process.

The Japanese soldiers were then recalled from the island, and the time travelers, now able to work unnoticed, transported the dinosaur to another island, theorizing that if the dinosaur were on a different island further from the testing site of the A-bomb, he wouldn’t be subjected to the radiation that caused him to mutate into Godzilla. The time travelers, in the process, leave behind three little monsters called Doraks that are intended to receive the radiation instead and turn into Ghidorah. Upon returning to the present, Godzilla appears to no longer exist (so how do they even remember him?) but now Japan has been terrorized by Ghidorah all this time.

It turns out the future people can control Ghidorah and intend to use him to destroy Japan because in the future, Japan has become so prosperous that they’ve bought up nearly half the countries in the world. BUT (I told you this would get confusing) the people in the present decide to try to find the dinosaur and subject him to a new dose of radiation to make a NEW Godzilla, only to discover that the dinosaur has already been irradiated by a sunken submarine and become Godzilla anyway. This is where all of the previous continuity goes to shit. According to this new timeline, this third Godzilla is actually the first Godzilla because now even the first Gojira never happened. Also, because he was mutated with modern radiation, Godzilla is even bigger and meaner than ever before.

Oh but we’re not done yet! In 1993 we got “Godzilla Vs. Mechagodzilla 2” where now MG is built by humans instead of aliens, and a new Manilla is introduced, although he’s now just referred to as Baby. This movie sets the stage for “Godzilla Vs. Spacegodzilla” the following year. Baby has gotten a lot bigger and the appearance of Spacegodzilla confuses the timeline even more because he’s supposed to be caused by one of two possible ways in which Godzilla DNA made it into space: either by the destruction of Biollante (a plant monster created by combining a rose with Godzilla DNA), or it was carried into space by Mothra who was on his way to deflect a meteor that would destroy the Earth in 1999, neither or which happened now because that particular Godzilla had been erased from history.

In 1995 “Godzilla Vs. Destroyah” tried to once and for all bring some closure to the whole mess by killing off the new/original Godzilla with a surprisingly brilliant idea: Godzilla’s heart, which is basically a nuclear reactor that powers his atomic breath, is starting to melt down, causing his body to glow red with the nearly 1200 degree (C) heat. The danger involved with this is that if Godzilla’s heart finally does melt down, the heat generated would be sufficient to ignite the Earth’s atmosphere and destroy the planet. Unfortunately there’s one more problem with the timeline that the writers overlooked: Destroyah is supposed to be some microorganism mutated by the oxygen destroyer used in the first Gojira, even though the timeline had been changed in “Godzilla Vs. King Ghidorah” so that the oxygen destroyer was never used.

Anyway, in the end Godzilla finally does melt down, but the military manages to cool him down just enough with a new type of “0 degree laser” so he doesn’t destroy the Earth, and Godzilla jr. is now set to take over.

Four years later, “Godzilla 2000” came out with a brand new looking Godzilla which I refer to as “Beefcake Godzilla” because of his thicker, more muscular neck. This begins the fourth timeline. Nothing of any major importance happens in this movie except to establish the new monster design, which carries over to the next movie, “Godzilla Vs. Megaguirus” which again is of no major importance except to sell tickets for another monster fight.

Oddly enough the next year Toho shifted gears and gave us a movie with the long-winded title of “Godzilla, Mothra, King Ghidorah, Giant Monsters All-out Attack.” It’s hard to understand where this movie fits in with the rest of the series because so many things have been blatantly changed. First off we have a different looking Godzilla from the last two movies, more like the classic Godzilla style except he has completely white eyes. Next they took Baragun and King Ghidorah and arbitrarily changed their origins, so now they’re guardian monsters alongside Mothra, even though in the past, Baragun was an enemy of Mothra; and Ghidorah was, of course, an enemy of the entire planet, first coming from space, and then from the future.

In the end, all three guardian monsters are defeated and Godzilla is destroyed in a very clever way with a drill missile fired from inside his body causing his atomic breath to blast through his own neck and blow up his body. I guess this must be a stand-alone story because none of it is ever mentioned again and the following movie goes back to the Beefcake Godzilla.

This time, in “Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla,” Toho puts the final nail in the coffin of the series’ continuity for anyone who was blissfully unaware of the timeline seperation (which confused the hell out of me for quite a while until I started this analysis.) A new Mechagodzilla is built with the bones of the first Godzilla that was killed with the oxygen destroyer in “Gojira.” Unfortunately, during the first confrontation, Godzilla’s roar awakens the original Gojira’s DNA that was used to make the DNA based computers in Mechagodzilla, causing him to go wild and attack the city until his power supply runs out.

This leads directly to the next movie, “Godzilla: Tokyo SOS” in which the two fairies from Infant Island come to tell the humans that Mothra is pissed that Godzilla’s bones were disturbed and that they must be returned to the bottom of the sea or else Mothra will destroy the city himself. Blah blah fighting, blah blah twin Mothra larva, blah blah Mechagodzilla becomes sentient doesn’t want to fight anymore, and Beefcake Godzilla is finally defeated and carried to the bottom of the sea tightly strapped to Mechagodzilla.

Lastly of course, until “Shin Godzilla,” the big 50th anniversary movie, was “Godzilla: Final Wars,” which is FUCKING AWESOME! Aliens from Planet X come to Earth, brainwash all the monsters and set them on a rampage, so the remaining humans have to free Godzilla from his icy prison at the South Pole and lead him around the world to defeat the entire roster of his enemies, including the American Godzilla from ’98, now called Zilla. Zilla dies like a bitch.

Finally, we have a new series of American Godzilla movies, dubbed the “Monsterverse” which in all honesty I don’t care for, and as before Toho responded with something incredible: “Shin Godzilla.”

“Shin Godzilla,” or “Godzilla Resurgence,” has an amazing premise: what if Godzilla appeared for the first time today? The new design is outstanding, Godzilla has some amazing new abilities, and the story is a cutting critique of the Japanese government being hopelessly mired in policy and red tape. SEE THIS MOVIE!

I’ve always enjoyed Godzilla movies, with the goofy monster costumes, the hokey music, the wanton destruction of innocent pagodas in nearly every movie, and the sappy morals; it’s always fun to just let myself get drawn into the story and suspend disbelief. People today are a little too cynical for their own good, myself included. There’s no shame in admitting, even to ourselves, that there’s nothing wrong with putting on a movie or a show with no intellectual value and throwing a bag of popcorn in the microwave. So go watch something stupid, it’s good for you. As I always say, when you can truly appreciate and enjoy bad movies, it allows you to more fully appreciate the good ones.

I love trains, but they always go straight to my thighs!

Editorial: Batman Villains I’d Like To See On The Screen

by Arnór Hermannsson Wikström

Hey! We’re all nerds here at Raiders, and nerds have opinions on Batman. Sometimes those opinions differ. That’s okay. But when it comes to the Caped Crusader I’m always right! I have hundreds of Batman figures in a glass cabinet in my living room, I have a rough meter of Batman DVDs in my shelf, I have two Batman tattoos (yeah, one of them is Heath Ledger as the Joker, but I’m still not mainstream, goddamnit!), I’m a big ol’ Batman nerd, is my point! I love Back To The Future, Star Wars and I quite like Hellboy, but Batman is my motherloving jam!

So, now that Robert Pattinson is gonna play Batman (I’m fine with that by the way, all aboard the R-Batz… I’m quite alone here at Raiders), who do I want him to kick in the teeth of?

If you’re anything like me, you love the Joker to bits, but you wouldn’t really miss him if he disappeared for a decade.

Believe me, my feelings on this are strong, and important damnit!

Here we go; the 5 villains I’d most want R-Batz to beat the shit outta:

  1. Mr Freeze

Yeah, I know. Batman & Robin sucked and Arnold Schwarzenegger was terrible as Mr Freeze. The funny thing about that is that The Arnold would’ve actually been a perfect Freeze if he’d played him as he played one of the two title characters in Terminator 2: Judgment Day. Hard, quiet and unfeeling, but with a growing heart on the inside.

Mr Freeze was already an established character by the nineties, but when Bruce Timm produced the Batman; The Animated Series double episode Heart Of Ice, he was re-established as one of the most endearing villains in the entire rouges gallery. Sadly, he was mauled to death in Schumacher’s toy commercial of a movie. But hey! Bane was also in that piece of shit, and he was freaking awesome in The Dark Knight Rises!

4. The Mad Monk


The monk was one of Batman’s earliest enemies, but he hasn’t been a part of the rogues gallery since the forties. Originally he was a kind of cult leader, who pretended he was a vampire. In 2006, Batman comic writing wizard Matt Wagner reinvented the Monk as an actual vampire, but he doesn’t need to be supernatural to work.

He could easily be reinvented as a grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan who uses the dim-minded hicks who follow hi for his own hidden agendas.

But if they keep him as a vampire, R-Batz and the monk can sparkle each other to death… Damn, Twilight jokes are so old I wish someone would slap me to death for making one.

  1. The Phantasm/The Reaper

The Phantasm is an amazing villain. Introduced in the animated movie  Batman: The Mask Of The Phantasm, the Phantasm is a mysterious and dark figure. A bringer of melodramatic death.
Yeah, I know! All us fans already know who the Phantasm is, and the secret identity thing was a big thing about the Phantasm. Well, screw you for also being a dumb nerd, you goddamn sunnova…, I’ll kick your… wait— sorry. Where was I?

The Phantasm! Yes! Outdated.

Funny thing! The Phantasm is based on the main villain in the Batman: Year Two comic book story line. In that story Gotham was haunted by a masked vigilante called The Reaper. In Year Two, The Reaper eventually turned out to be Bruce Wayne’s girlfriend’s dad, and in The Mask Of The Phantasm, Bruce Wayne’s girlfriend’s dad was actually a red herring, because it turned out that The Phantasm was actually Batman’s girlfriend and not her dad!!!!! So if you base the movie character on both those villains, you still have a nice little mystery to unfold.

  1. Clayface

Officially, there have been a whole shitload of Clayfaces, but for a movie we could join all the best parts into one, to make an ultimate Clayface.

He could be an actor who wanted to be able to mould his face, but who ultimately made his entire physical being a malleable blob. He can turn into anyone he wants, but only for a limited time, and he can only maintain an erection for a second. But he can temporarily make his outer layer hard as rocks, and therefore make himself into mallets and axes, and he can also slurp through the sewers like a high tide. Batman’s gotta get new boots to step on this piece of trash.

  1. Two-Face

Wait… what are you saying? Two-Face has already been the villain in two movies?
I know. Both versions were terrible. As much as I love both Batman Forever and The Dark Knight, both those films did Two-Face a great disservice.

In Batman Forever he has the Joker’s personality, and he is shown being able to ignore the outcome of his coin-toss, as he is seen, at one point, flipping the coin over and over until he gets a desired result, making that part of his personality completely unnecessary, so when Batman finally throws a bunch of coins into the air to confuse him, he should just as easily be able to shake that off since he clearly doesn’t need the coin.

In The Dark Knight, the character of Harvey Dent is written and played perfectly, Aaron Eckhardt is amazing in the role. He’s also great when he finally turns to Two-Face, although he looks like his burns should’ve left him at least mute and blind (how does a man lose his entire face on one side of the head without it impairing his eyesight and speech?).
But Two-Face is dead within twenty minutes, when he’s actually a major showrunner in the comics. His similarity to Batman makes him one of the most interesting villains in the entire comic canon. There must be a Two-Face who’s a main villain like Tommy Lee Jones, and as real as Aaron Eckhardt, and who can give Batman a seriously rough time..

Do you disagree with my list?

Write an email to idontcare@whogivesashit.questionmark

The Guilty Pleasure of Bad Movies

by Reality’s Frank

There’s a guilty pleasure in watching bad movies. Think of the campiest, corniest, crappiest movie you ever saw. It was pretty bad, wasn’t it? And yet you might just sit down to watch it again some day, wouldn’t you? Sure you would. How else do you think the Toxic Avenger series got to be so popular?

I myself have a pretty fair assortment of bad movies: Captain America, The Guyver, Toxic Avenger (of course), at one time, I even owned a VERY bad live action Dragon Ball movie. Trust me, it sucked.

And what is it about these cinematic abominations that people find so entertaining? Beats me. But I do have one theory. As there can be no good without evil, there can also be no masterpieces without bombs.

Why just the other night, I sat down and watched the unreleased Fantastic Four movie. Wow. That’s all I can say, because if I think about it any more, my head might explode from how bad it was. And what about all the new movies that are so full of suck that you wish you paid more to see it so you wouldn’t feel like such an ass asking for your eight bucks back? Does Cloverfield ring any bells? Blair Witch? Sure.

Then on the other side of the coin are the really good movies that got no recognition and were passed off as crappy. I would direct your attention to exhibit…oh I dunno…I guess: Mystery Men, for one. And then of course there’s the shitty movies that a lot of people liked, and you have no idea why, movies like Charlie’s Angels, Blades of Glory, Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

So I ask you now to share the last really, REALLY bad movie you saw and, be honest, how much you actually liked it. It’s okay, there’s no one else here but you and me. The lights are off, here’s the pop corn, I’ll put in Laser Hawk. What’s that? Yes it’s a Mark Hamil movie. It’s terrible, so I think you’ll like it. Press play.

Raiders of the Lost Flicks presents: April is Sword & Sorcery Month!

by Adam M. Wilcox

April 14th is the 8th and final season of Game Of Thrones airing on HBO. I am excited. Not because I love Game of Thrones, but because I am sick of hearing about it. I am a nerd. I have many nerd friends, and for most of my nerd friends, this show is more than a show, it is religion. I first started hearing about this damn show back in 2011. The problem with this show, is that you can just have somebody say “hey check out Game of Thrones”, and then just casually watch it. No. That is not enough. They want to strap you to a chair, make you chug a case of Red Bull, and then shove toothpicks into your eyelids, and force you to marathon about 4 seasons of this show until you jump up and scream to the heavens, “YES JESUS H TAP DANCING CHRIST, I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT! GAME OF THRONES IS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO MY MEANINGLESS EXISTENCE. I WILL CONVERT EVERYONE I KNOW TO LOVE AS MUCH AS I NOW DO!!!” Most of you that know me however, will know that I walk a different path…

Yeah this is Arnold, as Conan, the one that supposedly started it all.

Honestly, I wanted to like it. I gave it about four episodes and was bored out of my skull. I may have even nodded out a few times. I am not going to say it isn’t necessarily good, it just doesn’t hold my interest. Kind of like the way the Lord of the Rings series didn’t necessarily hold my interest either. See, I am just not into what we used to call in the 80s “Sword & sorcerer Movies”. It is a subgenre of the fantasy genre, and was spawned by the “sword & sandals” movies of the 1950s. Some of which were biblical, but many of them involved some muscled dude playing Hercules going on an adventure. In the 80s however, Conan The Barbarian made a huge splash, and schlockmeisters of all sorts wanted to cash in on the popular trend. Now bear with me, because I had to do some deep diving to get some of this info streight, but to the best of my knowledge, Conan was the big one that started it all. After 1982, these movies were showing up in theaters every other weekend. We didn’t know which ones were big, and which ones were schlock. It was not like we could Google which producers were making the big movies, all we had were posters, tv spots, trailers, and maybe an occasional review in a newspaper or magazine. Most of the posters were really great though! So you would see these at the drive in, and maybe forget about them after a day or two. Only a handful of them can be found on Blu-ray now, and even less than that, have withstood the test of time. Luckily for me, I have YouTube, and Amazon Prime!

The Sword and the Sorcerer is one of my favorites, and will be my first review in this series!

Sword & sorcerer movies were a dream come true to movie producers, because they were easy to make. I mean…what was the price of the average loin cloth in the 1980s, right? You could film them at your local park, secluded mountain range, or desert. Basically anyplace that didn’t have any technology. And then the following week, you could add some leather and rivets to the loin cloth, make up a few go carts, film the entire thing in a junk yard and call it a “post apocalypse adventure”, that will be next month’s featured genre. Most sword & Sorcerer movies have the same basic plots. A hero goes on a journey, usually to rescue a damsel, or kill some asshole. A long the way, he meets some more damsels, a wizard, slays a few monsters, and does it all without having to stop to rub more baby oil on. Most of the time, a magic sword, is involved. The basic Dungeon’s & Dragons RPG game was coming up around this time, and sold well on tv as well as The He-Man cartoon, and Masters of the Universe toy line. Kind of like the super hero genre, none of these movies were ever taken seriously. They usually had actors that bordered on soft core porn grade level of line delivery. Sometimes special effects were decent, sometimes they were insanely bad. Sometimes shots were reused from original to sequel like DeathStalker II. You know you have hit absolute fuck it, when you are re-using actual shots from the original movie. It’s not to say it’s all bad, in fact some of these are so bad, that they can be either downright charming, or embarrassing train wrecks. One thing for certain, is that most of these movies objectified women as either damsels to be rescued, or trophies to be awarded.

Yeah women were unfortunately objectified badly in many of these, so some of those have not held up well. We will still be reviewing them.

It wasn’t until the later 80s when several attempts were made to make movies about stronger female warriors, but like with early super hero movies like Elektra, some of these attempts fell short, and were lost to obscurity. Red Sonja didn’t exactly shatter the glass ceiling on the sword & sorceror genre, but you have to at least give it credit for trying, and some people have a soft spot for it.

That moment when Bridget Neilson tried to be Conan. You got to give her credit for at least trying.

Eventually these movies faded away into the night, but they are back now for the most part. Lord of the Rings was taken seriously, Oscars were awarded. Game of Thrones is a HUGE success, whether I like it or not, and most of the actors and actresses on this show, even though they show as much skin as the worst of the 80s schlock, they are taken seriously, and they show up in pretty much every other movie that comes out now.

Sometimes these older movies had some damn good-looking practical effects. And no, this is not E.T.’s alcoholic step dad either… This is Xusia, a sorcerer, played by Richard Moll from Night Court, in 1982’s The Sword And The The Sorcerer.

Like I said though, I lived this already. I know this music. It doesn’t matter that these properties are taken seriously now, all I see are the same movies that I grew up with, just with a little bit better acting. I mean the stories are all the same, except now, it takes 8 seasons to tell the same story that might show up in two or three of these sword & sorcerer movies. I know, I know…but Adam…the acting…the drama. Yes, I can get all of that from just as many seasons of Breaking Bad, but without all the magic and dragon stuff. I know that it seems like I am dogging on this pretty hard, but I remember a great deal of these movies from the 80s, and they are super fun to talk about. Some of them I have a soft spot for, even if they are not good at all, and they are probably not the ones you THINK I am going to talk about. My staff will be joining in on the fun as well. I hope you enjoy reading about these movies as much as we love talking about them!

I Am Batman!

by Adam M. Wilcox

Seems like every day I wake up now, there are some new phoney rumors about Batman. After the recent departure of Ben Affleck as Batman, every day it is who is Batman? What will be the new Batman? Who will direct the new Batman? Batman Batman Batman. The real question is who freaking cares?

Affleck’s departure was somber, and I don’t want to kick a guy when he was down. He had problems, and needed to take care of those, but to be honest, I was never too crazy about Batfleck to begin with. I mean the internet roasted his announcement as the caped crusader, and rather than give him his own movie, the ding bats at Warner Bros decided to make one superhero film into a franchise. It is the cinematic equivalent of trying to mail an elephant in one business envelope. It is also the most boring thing I have ever seen. I mean boring. Batman fighting Superman should have NEVER been even associated with the word boring. Yet I swear, it took me 3 attempts to watch, because I literally kept passing out half way through the damn thing. It is an absolute slog to get through. A lot was riding on this movie, and Warner Brothers were just certain that there was no way this movie could fail. So they also decided to set up a high school year book’s worth of characters that we are supposed to somehow care about, even if they show up as a .gif file on Wonder Woman’s computer.

Ben probably should have got his own movie, but many comic bookians will still white knight the dark knight anyways. Some even think he was the best Batman ever. I disagree. For one, I hated his costume. Seriously HATED that costume. It looked like somebody stole Adam West’s TV costume and sprayed it with about 300 lbs of magic shell ice cream topping. The voice, made sense, the Batcave was kind of cool, but yeah Batfleck just didn’t impress me much. I DID however like Alfred played by Jeremy Irons, but he was probably wondering what happened to his career by winding up in a boring comic book movie, where the best we will get from Irons is feeding exposition to Batfleck. But enough of about that farse of a movie. Let’s talk about how we got to this point.

Batman was a famous Detective Comics strip written by Bob Kane. I don’t collect a lot of comics, but I did have sort of a Best of Batman book, and those earlier comics were pretty great to say the least. There was a black and white set of serials. There was the famous, or infamous TV series from the 60s starting Adam West, and Burt Ward, depending how you look at it. Then there was Tim Burton. When Tim Burton was still making cool edgy movies, he took on a famous franchise and made it in his dark and sinister style with just a dash of tongue in cheek humor that worked well enough. Michael Keaton proved us all idiots by showing us that Mr. Mom could look cool wearing a cape and cowl. Then you had Jack Nicholson being Jack Nicholson, while doing one of the best cosplay performances you will ever see. Then there was Batman Returns, which while I liked it at the time…well let’s just say it’s pretty fucking weird.

After they through Tim Burton out of the lot for not selling enough toys, Joel Schumacher literally turned the Batman franchise into the ice capades, and super hero movies were doomed to rot in hell for what seemed like an eternity. For nerds, just a few years shy of ten may as well be a millenia. Then Christopher Nolan showed up, and took a stab at the franchise, by rebooting it as a cerebral thriller that could realize all of the characters as gritty and realistic as possible. Say what you want, dude saved the franchise, and Christian Bale has been the only Batman that managed to star in more than two movies. (Batfleck in Suicide Squad doesn’t count, GTFO with that trash.

Then Zack Snyder, who most of us thought would be amazing, because deep down everyone loves The Watchman even if you publicly shit on it, because it WAS pretty faithful to the comics. What could go wrong? Man of Steel? Hey it had it’s moments, even if the third act gives me a headache. And then Batman V Superman. Warner Bros chose that title because it was cheaper than writing VERSUS or VS on a damn movie poster. Then they gave Snyder the unthinkable task of setting up an entire universe worth of shit in one two and a half hour movie. Oh and Batfleck? He somehow has to have another origin story….again. If you don’t know the origin story of Batman by now, please close this window, and leave this site.

It says it won’t show me The Joker’s Facebook page until I install Flash Player. Holy fucking windows 10 Batman!

Now, I have not been able to force myself to watch the director’s cut, because I just don’t hate myself enough. There are not enough drugs on the planet that could make me sit through that travisty again. Warner Bros tinkering and dickering would continue with Justice League, which SHOULD have had the same impact as The Avengers, but it was another hack job. Different directors due to the sad departure of Zack Snyder, and something about a CG mouth that makes Henry Cavil look more like an episode of Clutch Cargo, than the man of steel. Seriously, why didn’t they just let him keep the damn mustache? Would anyone have complained that much?

I get into these arguments among the nerd circles I frequent quite often. My complaint, is that they make Batman silly, then make him Dark, then silly again, then gritty and realistic. Why would you try to steer away from the Nolan classics, by having Batfleck fight winged demons, and trollish abominations? Every fight seen looks like a Megadeth video. It hurts my eyes, and it kills my spirits. So what do we want to do? Reboot this again? Seriously? Yes Matt Miller, who I genuinely like, because he did an incredible job making three wonderful Planet of the Apes movies that don’t suck. But just please don’t give me another Batman origin again? Please?

This is how Ben Affleck’s costume for BvS was made.

So that brings us to where we are today. Who will play the damn Batman. Every site I read, every day. I see a name, a face, and a cowl lined up next to it. I know this is the shill media fishing for a face. None of them excite me. Seriously, they just don’t! Batman has been played by more people than the entire James Bond Franchise in less movie. My Batman is Bale, because that was the one damn Batman that I believed in! Oh and yes, I believed in Harvey Dent Too! Dammit!

“Yes, can I get the deluxe, with large fries, large drink, and get the kid here a happy meal? “

You want to know MY BATMAN MOVIE? Simple. It is a comedy. Written by me, and directed by famous Shillionaire, Kevin Smith. And even though Smith is the Lord of the Shills, especially with DC, I still respect the guy, and he’s about my age, and get’s humor from the 90s. My Batman movie is a comedy that takes place in a convention center. It is a big Batman celebration where anyone who has ever played Batman in a TV show, or a movie that is still alive has been paid tons of money to show up at this convention. The thing is, all these actors have played different versions of the damn Batman in different times, and different eras. Some are gritty and dark, some are dark humor, some are campy and cartoonish. All of these dudes hate each other, and throw shade at each other constantly because each one of these idiots thinks they are THE BATMAN, and anyone before or after their performance is inferior. Then something bad happens, and the convention is taken over by terrorists. All of these idiots trapped in the waiting room have to decide if they want to continue arguing about costumes and motivations, or somehow work together and use they’re not so bat skills to get out of this situation alive. Sounds kind of like Galaxy Quest, but honestly, I feel what Batman needs right now, is a long break, or at the very least a joke about how ridiculous this franchise has become at this point. Mat Miller wants to call his movie THE Batman, but I am naming my bat comedy:



Your negative opinion makes you a troll!

by Adam M. Wilcox

Have you ever stopped and wondered what your friends think about you? What you don’t like the same video games, and anime that they like? What if they don’t like the same things you like? Do you say anything? Do you go about your merry way and continue? I mean you all seem to basically like all the same stuff, and when you ride in the car everything is great, and everything is awesome right? So one day they keep talking about that one thing you can’t stand, and you can’t stand that thing to the point where it might even keep you up at nights. Finally you mention that you are not all that crazy about that one anime, or video game, movie or TV show. There is an awkward silence. Then one your friends ask you why you don’t like that thing. The other friends join in, and then they sort of put you on trial. The inquisition may last for hours, or maybe even days. Eventually, you all mutually agree to let it go. Until the next anime, TV show, movie, or video game comes up, and one your friends says “well, I love Gundam Wing, but you probably hate it, and will just shit all over it.” Maybe you do love that thing, maybe you don’t. Based on your online response time, you have now gone from being one of the gang, to being a hater. If you feel the need to defend yourself on social media, than you are definitely a hater!

Eventually, your friends stop inviting you to parties. They start making excuses for not coming over for dinner. Maybe they even stop returning your phone calls. Do you REALLY hate this movie? Maybe you watch it again, and you still can’t stand it. Which is the lesser of two evils? Do you lie about a thing you hate just to keep your friends? Maybe you are the one guy in the group who can’t see the sailboat in the magic puzzle. Yes, that was a Mallrats reference.

Scene from Mallrats (1995)

Maybe you leave a bad review on a review aggregate. Maybe you start a blog. Eventually you find some other people that also don’t like that movie. Congratulations for forming your own opinions, but now you are a troll. That’s it. It’s that simple. Don’t like a thing? You are a troll.

A giant company like Disney could never make a bad movie. They spent the money, and everyone showed up to work. Eventually production wrapped, the special effects are completed, and it’s released on the silver screen. It is perfect, simply because it exists.

Bow to the mouse.

Your parents maybe have grown up in a generation where the customer was always right. Now you live a world where you should buy a product because the manufacturer says it’s good for you. Any resistance to said product is considered trollish behavior.

The manufacturers of these inferior products were most likely raised in a bubble. They were given participation awards. They were never challenged, so they have to invent a struggle to champion. Any challenge or question about the struggle they fight, or any negative criticism is trolling.

Manufacturers can now blame a mythical race of beings known as trolls for any negative criticism of any product what so ever. There is a series of built in pre programmed responses for every single product that can be criticized. Didn’t like the script? One of the actors was black; you must be a racist troll. Didn’t like the story, or the writing? The movie written, and directed by a woman, and stars a woman, so now you are a misogynist troll. Don’t want to see the movie because you don’t like the actor? Want to tell other people why? You are a troll! Don’t want to see a movie because Disney has decided that seeing a movie based on a comic book is now a historic bookmark in history, even if it did something that has already been done a few years earlier? You are a troll.

The manufacturers of industry and the internet have collectively named the enemy of the pop culture war as trolls. You never actually see them, but according to the shill media, they are apparently everywhere, waiting to rob you of virtue. The war on trolls has gotten so far out of hand, that regressive left extremists have gone so far as to actually suggest, that the government of all people are needed to combat the trolls.

Brianna Wu tries to crawl back into the spotlight by calling for legislation for…negative reviews of a movie…

The internet have already started, by removing key aggregate features, as well as most negative reviews under the guise of combating alleged trolls. 50,000 reviews were mysteriously composed by 50,000 mythical trolls. And then they celebrate censorship as if it is some sort of victory. As if freedom of speech was never worth fighting for. The same people that say if you complain about the president online you are a troll, and if you defend the president, your still a troll, but they give you a special red hat. And of you are a troll, you may as well where that red hat anyways.

What really gets under my skin however is when these troll bashing extremists infiltrate a franchise they know nothing about. Rearrange the DNA of said franchise, and replace entertaining stories with woke political ideology. As if replacing great stories with identity politics is good for those who didn’t care about in the first place, but the manufacturers of this woke ideology have decided that this is better than stories because they think changing a thing into something completely different is somehow supposed to be progressive. Then when fans that have been around for years show any resistance to this change, they are a special kind of troll organization referred to as toxic fandom.

These extreme troll hunters are not capable of creating their own thing ever, so they climb a hill that has already been built on the backs of these so called toxic fandom’s, and brag about this achievement. All who resist must definitely be trolls. Imagine if s rich vegan bought a popular fast food burger chain. This vegan person is convinced that his or her lifestyle is healthy, and decides to replace all of the hamburgers with kale. Vegans don’t go to this franchise, because they already have their own favorite places. Burger lovers stop showing up because they are not interested in the vegan lifestyle. Now the franchise is hemorrhaging money. Do they blame the burger lovers for not wanting to eat healthy? No they blame toxic fandoms of trolls for not wanting to convert to veganism.

Everyday there is a new hit piece on how an old holiday classic or beloved children’s’s cartoon has been deemed problematic, because it was written years ago in a less hypersensitive society than this one.

Even more offensive, is that I recently read an article defending Captain Marvel’s mediocre reviews as a form of progressiveness. In this feminist article, she blames society for having unrealistic standards for a female lead franchise. And no mention whatsoever that Disney built up Captain Marvel as the single most important thing that ever happened in human history. Unrealistic expectations indeed! As if having a female lead in a super hero movie is enough to award a full five star rating. And many shill media did exactly that, for fear of being looked at funny by their friends. Fear of not being invited back to their parties. Fear of not being called back. Fear of being labeled a troll.

If you happen to be one of the unfortunate ones who were mysteriously labeled as a troll over night, there is no need to panic. Trolls can have friends. Trolls even have feelings too. We get sad when we watch our favorite characters get killed off, so they can make room for characters that feel like Poochie from The Simpson’s TV Show.  We can go to our own parties. We can complain about a movie, because we are smart enough to know that no matter how hard you try, burying your art behind politics does not make it critic proof. And even though all our escapist entertainment has been replaced with political ideology, we still have about a century’s worth of movies, and TV shows that were written and made during times when customer satisfaction was more important than some actress in a movie that likes to use her award acceptance speech to break down the ratio of white male film critics.

My best advice is stop consuming this woke entertainment. Cut the cord. Stay home; buy a big TV, and lots of Blu-rays. Because once they’ve finished re-coding the DNA of all of pop culture, they will begin to re-write history to fit this narrative, and none of your favorite entertainment is safe from this crap. Everything will be censored and rewritten until everything is safe, and bland, and boring. Or maybe this silly trend will eventually end, and we can laugh about it.

Of course I would warn all of you about this stuff, but I will eventually be censored for having an opinion. After all, I am a troll.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

by Adam M. Wilcox

It has been over a full year since The Last Jedi came out, and unfortunately for everyone, the dust has not settled, and the wounds of fans around the world have not yet healed. There are fans of this film, but there is not enough excitement around the next chapter of this new trilogy from anyone, which is curious.

As I said in my editorial 2018, THE YEAR THAT POP CULTURE DIED, I mentioned that at first I was very blaze about my feelings towards the film, but that I had experienced some things, that I never felt in a Star Wars film before, confusion, boredom, and frustration. After a full year of arguing with people about what works and doesn’t work about The Last Jedi, I really don’t want to write ten paragraphs about plot holes, and failed set ups and pay offs. Also, this film has been on Netflix forever and if you haven’t seen it by now, you are probably not even interested, but just know that going forward with this review without spoilers is impossible so you have been warned.

In spite of what you feel about Star Wars: The Force Awakens, it was a commercial success, that generated a lot of fan buzz and theories. It ended on a cliff hanger, that actually took place on a cliff, which I have to admit even now, is kind of Meta and a nice touch. Strangely, the next chapter in this new trilogy of films was handed to a man with some shorts, some TV episodes and 3 mediocre reviewed films under his belt. Rian Johnson may or may not be a fan and I refuse to question his fandom, because it annoys me to the ends of Earth when I have to explain that I spent most of my natural life worshiping something that made me happy as a kid. I won’t do it. The thing here though, is that Johnson is very much a part of social media, and followed closely the fan theories. He even made a point to poke fun at the fans, by posting up a picture on social media of him holding up a sign that said “your Snoke theories suck”. Regardless, he had a daunting task of building the middle act of the trilogy, and further developing the new characters established in the previous entry.

Now since it is so late, and several articles and reviews have been written on The Last Jedi, what can I possibly say that you have not read already? You may predict that I am going to spend the next several paragraphs shitting on a Star Wars film. Well maybe I will write something original, and subvert your expectations! Well that is what Rian Johnson did.

I hope I am the only one that is going to use a food term to describe an aspect of Star Wars, but stay with me here. Why would I do this? I like to cook, and I plan to become a chef someday. This brings me to my term “deconstructed food”. Deconstructed food, is when you take a particular dish, break down the ingredients that make up the dish, and try to repurpose it as something new. This may work for foodies and chefs, when you take a perfectly good pizza and turn it into a low carb deconstructed pizza casserole. Essentially it IS technically pizza it has many of the same ingredients. It has tomatoes, sausage, mushrooms, even mozzarella cheese. It may even look like a pizza from a first glance. This deconstructed pizza has successfully subverted your expectations. A glass baking dish with pizza ingredients however, is not what you get in your car and drive to your favorite pizza place and order. You go to that pizza place, because they have put all of those ingredients in the order that you like it, on top of a hot crust of your choice, and cooked it at exactly the right temperature.

“You really think Rian Johnson knows how the Force works? Do you think he knows how Star Wars even works?”

I believe that Rian Johnson took all the fan theories, and studied what makes Star Wars The Empire Strikes Back so popular, and began there. He probably wrote all of these things down in a notebook, and started from there. I believe his thought process probably went something like this:

“Let’s see, they like when the rebel base got attacked, so we will do that…we’ll have a big giant dreadnaught thingy. I know George used old WWII stock footage for his space battles, but he never used the bomber ones. I’ll do that. I will have like big space ship like B-17s dropping space bombs! You know, that General Hux guy really made me laugh, he reminds me of Col. Sanders from Spaceballs. Let’s have some witty banter between him and Poe Dameron! They like that space chase where the Millennium Falcon is trying to outrun the Imperial Fleet…we have to do that—wait…shit! The Falcon is on Ahch-To with Rey! Fuck! Well, we’ll just have the fleet run down the rest of the rebels until they run out of gas, and that will be the entire middle chunk of the movie. It will be like basically the same thing. They like Yoda, so we’ll bring him back as like a ghost. They like those big walking thingies, so we’ll make bigger walking thingies again, but we will put them on a white planet, that is covered with SALT, because the fans think it will be snow! Let’s see, they like the Cloud City bit, why don’t we do a space casino! Let’s do that throne room scene….wait was that in Empire? Doesn’t matter, let’s do that anyways. They introduced a new hero…Lando, I will introduce Rose Tico! I’ll even have her fall in love with Fin, and then Rey will start having feelings for Kylo! Let’s see… Luke and Vader were kind of sensing each other across the stars at the end of Empire, so we will kind of do that… What other magic Force powers can I come up with? How about have Leia fly through space like Mary Poppins? That will be funny I wonder if anyone will get that reference? We will have to do something cool with Luke…hmmm. Maybe he’ll just astral project himself in front of all those walky things! I can even make him younger! Disney wants me to do some kind of tie in for Solo…so I will throw the dice in there someplace. This is a darker story, so I will put a LOT of jokes in it to make it easier. Also, have a bigger audience now than I ever had in my entire life. I need to get some messages out. Let’s see, something about animal abuse, I will have a racetrack near the casino and Fin and Rose will set them free. Also I want to get some kind of anti capitalism message out there. Might be kind of heavy handed, but it’s my movie, and there will be a lot of adults out there watching. Oh shit…forgot kids will be watching. What do I do? Oh man, they loved those Ewoks. How about I make some animals kind of like that, and just sprinkle them around the story. Let’s have some cute little things that looked kind of like a Ewok fucked a penguin and had a baby…we’ll call them Porgs! We can sell them like Furbies that will be the hottest new toy! We’ll even have them doing a bunch of funny shit with Chewy like they did in Empire Strikes Back. We’ll have a sea cow, and Luke will milk it…that will be hilarious! Ya know this Luke Skywalker thing is getting old. In fact he’s getting old, and making it hard to write around him. How about we have him sacrifice himself for everybody else like Ben Kenobi? Nobody bitched about that. I got some ideas how to make that work. And I will do it at the very end so it’s not too upsetting. Ok now for some shit I WANT to do. I think it would be badass, if we had a ship jump to lightspeed right through the center of a group of spaceships. It will be an awesome looking effect too! Let’s see…fans expectations…they think Rey is this or that…how about she’s just nothing, a random nobody, and Kylo tells her that. They got like 50 million Snoke theories…what if we just fucking kill him and don’t tell anyone? HAHAHA. Also, I want Kylo to say some shit to Rey about letting go of the past, because I am so sick of these fans that idolize Star Wars. What if Luke almost did something bad? Maybe he’s been hiding out because he feels like a failure? I’ll have Rey set him straight. Let’s see did I forget anything important? Nah. We’ll have the ending be Rey saves the day, and a smaller group of rebels sail off into the stars like Empire. One more thing….this might be the last Star Wars movie I ever do, so I will have something really fucking Meta at the end, where kids are playing with Star Wars Figures in the Star Wars Universe, and looking up into the stars. That will be cool! I bet Kathleen will love it! I got all of the elements here, but it will be like my own thing.”

Is it hard to believe what happened here? This is a fictitious account of what probably went down. See what I believe is Rian Johnson wanted to impress his friends and filmmakers, and subvert expectations by making a “deconstructed Star Wars” we have spaceships, laser swords, and magic and from a distance it does look and sound like Star Wars. What it really is however is one man wanting to make his own movie by deconstructing the elements that made the franchise popular, and building his own thing. As I said before with my pizza reference, people don’t go to pizzerias to eat low carb deconstructed pizza casserole. See back when The Empire Strikes back, came out, George Lucas was still very much part of the story making process. It was his script, but he brought in another director, and had help making the final product. With the Last Jedi, the only chief in charge is a film producer who does not write scripts, or direct films. She is somebody that puts people in places to get the job done. Sadly though, she has no passion for the source material, and that is why you get this deconstructed mess of a film. It is a common trend I see these days, were we keep bringing in young film makers to try and give us fresh takes on something that has already been established and entertain people for years. Sometimes it works. You take a film like Creed for example. You respect what makes the Rocky franchise work, but you build a foundation of new characters, on that old premise, and you respect the source material. Creed feels very much like a Rocky movie, but it is also something different. Blade Runner 2047 is another example of something written by a younger director that respects the source material so much, that he goes through pain staking detail to make sure that his characters and motivations feel like they belong in the same universe, while respecting the source material. I believe that very little thought was put into The Last Jedi, I feel like it was just a committee chasing trends, and decided that deconstructing a franchise would not matter at all since the last two movies made so much filthy gobs of money. The thought they could take risks, they didn’t take into consideration the ramifications of what these risks would bring. What we ended up with, is a movie that was written by someone inexperienced, for all of the wrong reasons.

The Last Jedi failed to resolve any of the cliffhangers set forth by the first movie, and also failed to leave us with any hint of what was to come. At the end of The Empire Strikes Back, Luke had learned that his worst enemy was his father, and Lando and Chewie had already made plans to go rescue Han Solo from the clutches of Boba Fett. The Last Jedi leaves you with absolutely no questions, or reasons to come back and see the finale. It did nothing to further develop the characters set up by the first franchise. The only thing it managed to do was deconstruct the universe by separating the parts that made it work, and then reassembling them on a plate and calling it art work. The Last Jedi is in fact the foodie’s version of Star Wars. It’s the Star Wars equivalent of that Low Carb Pizza Casserole. It is not made for the original fans of Pizza, or Star Wars. It is not assembled in an order of what makes something work, or good. In the first Star Wars movie, it was the combination of music, visual aesthetics, and strong characters with clear motivations that made the whole thing work. It was further developed in the second movie with a proper cliff hanger, and it was paid off in the final installment, where everything came together cooked just the way we like it. For foodies, The Last Jedi may work, but for people that went out to see a Star Wars movie, it left the massive fan base divided right down the middle. One of the biggest arguments I read about constantly, is that Star Wars is a kid’s movie about Space Wizards, and that we are picking apart this movie from the perspective of adults. A group of movies that taught us about good, evil, love, death, betrayal, hard work, sacrifice, learning to overcome insurmountable odds through faith and wisdom? I understood these things even as a child when I first watched these movies.

Roger Ebert once used the term “mean spirited” in reference to Predator 2. I have thought long and hard about that term. Unlike The Last Jedi, I left Predator 2 absolutely entertained and satisfied. I left the Last Jedi, bored, annoyed, and confused. I believe Rian Johnson only sees Star Wars from a visual perspective, I find it very difficult to believe that he does not understand its cultural significance or the importance of the characters on pop culture nor does he care. He wanted to make his own movie using the assets he liked in Star Wars, but not make a proper Star Wars movie. The Last Jedi is a mean spirited sequel that celebrates 50 years of pop culture by ignoring the fans, the previous films, failing to set up future films, tells you not to question authority, not to believe in religion, capitalism is bad, animal abuse is bad, trust no one, love is better than war, sacrifice is meaningless unless you are old, and that sometimes you are just born with The Force, you don’t necessarily have to earn anything at all. This is a kid’s movie? My ass! 1 out of 5 cheese curds only for Mark Hamill trying to do his best with this deconstructed script.


By Adam M. Wilcox

On January 15th, it was announced all over social media that Ghostbusters 3 was getting a reboot. Not long after, a teaser trailer was released. Access journalists were quick to report that Sony has been well into the development cycle of Ghostbusters 3, which will abandon all of the characters in the 2016 reboot, and continue with the original characters from the first two movies. The movie will be directed by Jason Reitman, son of original Ghostbusters director Ivan Reitman.

Not long after this article hit the web, old wounds that were just beginning to heal started opening up, revealing that the grudges on both sides of this movie’s political narrative are still very real. Leslie Jones, first fired off on twitter how disrespectful it is to ignore the reboot cast in favor of an all male cast, even blaming Donald Trump, even the original movie happened to have an all male cast to begin with. 2016 director Paul Feig has said some similar things as well. Not long after, access journalists in favor of politics over entertainment have taken to the web, and are now blaming fans….AGAIN for this movie that has ultimately been in development Hell since the 90s. It is very clear that Jones, Feig, and the rest of the world never left 2016, and still fail to realize that you can’t use politics to defect criticism. I will even argue that it is the fact that this basic comedy was used as a symbol for social political arguments from everyone up to and including our presidential candidates is one of the chief reasons that this movie tanked so badly at the box office.

I have a very different opinion on the matter. I actually believe that Sony STILL thinks they can milk some money out of this franchise, but I don’t personally believe that this movie is as far along in development as they would like you to believe. I think they are using these media outlets to see if there is any marketability in this franchise post 2016. A lot of business men lost a lot of return on this property that they were convinced would be a huge success. They are trying to get back any of that money they can. I also believe, that people in favor of the 2016 symbol—I mean movie, are fully aware of just how tired people are of hearing about Ghostbusters, and are wasting no time to fire back on fans, and start up a debate that started in 2016, and never finished. They are floating these articles around to get people stirred up about this damn movie again, hoping they can generate enough negative press to halt production on the film. I find it hard to believe that there is much more than a storyboard, and maybe some post it notes, considering the cast is not even solidified at the time of this writing.

What is my stance on all of this? I wish the politics of male vs. female cast would just stop already. I was not personally offended by the casting choice. I anticipated this to be a very funny movie. What I DIDN’T anticipate, was simply taking an existing property, advertising that it is a soft reboot, but then revealing that it was a complete reboot, with a gender swapped cast, that was ultimately not very well written, not that funny, and kind of insulting to fans. Then like many franchises now, audiences are told that if you don’t support this mediocre comedy, you are a bad person. This kind of ideology is ludicrous, and it’s being ported into every single piece of entertainment. Plain and simple people don’t like being told what they are supposed to like. People need to be won over by old fashioned things like character development, pacing, plots, old fashioned writing. Actual structured jokes, rather than on camera ad lib humor. When you take an existing property, and bring it back out of moth balls, you need to respect the original source material. I don’t think the fans appreciated seeing the guy that played Peter Venkman, one of the original cast members hurled out of a window just so Leslie Jones can make a joke out of it. I think that is a pretty fair assessment. If you want to reboot all of these old franchises nobody is going to stop it, but there ARE ways in which you can do this and win over new and both audiences. You have your old characters return, but you adapt those characters’ personalities to fit a modern setting. You make the new characters the focus of your story, but you have the old characters to bring wisdom and experience to the story. Just go watch the Creed movies or Cobra Kai…you don’t see old fans scoffing about those, and politics doesn’t have shit to do with it either.

In my opinion, they should just leave it in the garage. This news of Ghostbusters 3 doesn’t excite me much. I mean I like Ghostbusters 2, but a lot of people didn’t which is why a third film never happened in the first place. Ghostbusters 2016, or Answer the Call…or whatever the fuck you call it, is both a political and financial disaster. I could see maybe making a new animated film or even a TV series similar to Cobra Kai. Making a third movie however, is not just beating a dead horse, it is hooking electrodes up to it’s neck, trying to channel a single bolt of lightning yelling “GIVE MY CREATION LIFE!!!”