by Groovinator, The Cynical Cyborg
Oh Megaforce, I have a love hate relationship with you. An unhealthy one. This movie fails the Turing Test on so many levels, I don’t even know where to begin.
Megaforce is the brain child of Hal Needham, the guy responsible for such cigar chompin’ Skoal spitting, ball scratching classics as Smokey and the Bandit, Hooper, and The Cannonball Run. So basically movies where rednecks explain the plot in between stunts by yelling exposition at each other through “CB radios”.
Apparently he wanted to make a franchise movie that was epic like Star Wars, with multiple movies, and lots of franchise money could be made with merchandising. Of course it might of worked, since the plot was similar to G.I. Joe, but this pre-dates it by a couple of years. More on that later.
So we open up with some loose explanation of the super secret army known as Megaforce is basically fighting the forces of evil from a hidden base. Sound familiar? The opening crawl is actually pretty cool and reminds me of an early 90’s KMFDM video. The first scene establishes our villains, the worst I have ever seen since…nuclear man. Again, this pre-dates that too. Maybe this movie is from the future, I doubt it. More on that later too. Some schmuck is reading some kind of statement, and actually saying “comma, and period” in between, and after sentences. Worst Cobra Commander ever. I hope his ass get’s Serpentored, by season 3. (G.I. Joe fan deep cuts anyone?) Guerera played by Henry Silva is the tank commander that has had quite enough of commander Not Cobra’s shit and decides to fire the tanks at a model of a factory while the worker’s look on. Guess lunch break got extended.
We then quickly meet Zara, (Persis Khambatta), and Byrne-White ( Edward Mulhare), or as I like to call them, “Vger, and Chuckle Fuck P-0”. Who must seek out the help of Megaforce to stop the evil Guerra from blowing shit up. A limo drives them out to the middle of a desert, and a rattlesnake almost bites them during one of Chuckle Fuck P-0’s rants. Introducing Dallas ( Michael Beck We then quickly meet Zara, (Persis Khambatta), and Byrne-White ( Edward Mulhare), or as I like to call them, “Vger, and Chuckle Fuck P-0”. Who must seek out the help of Megaforce to stop the evil Guerra from blowing shit up. A limo drives them out to the middle of a desert, and a rattlesnake almost bites them during one of Chuckle Fuck P-0’s rants. Introducing Dallas (Michael Beck), who informs us that there is no rank in Megaforce, except for one commander. Well that must have a great retention program. No advancement opportunities? No employee of the month parking? Surely there has to be some reason to want to succeed in the Megaforce? Worst military since the Coast Guard!
Anyways Dallas shows Vger, and Fuck P-0 how holograms work, and then take us to meet the infamous leader of the Megaforce. After witnessing a spectacular dirt bike sequence that shoots missiles at balloons, one single dirt bike jumps over a truck, and lands. Once the helmet is removed, the locks flow out that would make Barry Gibb’s heart skip a beat. We meet “Ace Hunter”, (Barry Bostwick), well there goes MY PORNO NAME, thanks…Megaforce!
We get the nickel tour, and Dallas introduces us to budget “Q”, and shows us the giant underground facility that has all of the high tech equipment that the world has never seen. Supposedly leaders of the world secretly contribute to this phantom army to solve world problems….wait….nah forget it. That’s all the explanation we get. We see some actually pretty cool matte paintings, and then we go dinner. Megaforce shows up wearing these really hilarious blue bell hop uniforms which really don’t make sense since this is supposed to be a “phantom army” why wear uniforms at all? Of course it is so Barry Gibb, I mean Barry Bostwick can show off his camel toe, or package, depending on which scene we see next.
At dinner, Ace reveals that he knows everything about Guerera, and they used to be buddies, until something bad happened. He stole Ace’s lighter. I can’t make this shit up! The post dinner scene is yet another hologram showing Ace’s retarded plan to basically blow the shit out of all the units in 4 minutes, and then get Guerera to chase them into another territory. The plot is really thin, and doesn’t make a lot of logistical sense. Just know they show us a thing, and they will blow up a thing, to get Guerera away from the thing. Clear as mud? Good. Speaking of logistics…The entire time Dallas has a confederate flag on his uniform. This is probably the part where I am supposed to make some statement about racism or whatever, but fuck that, we got twitter for that shit. I am more concerned with the logistics of the confederate flag. Assuming this takes place in 1982, is it…an alternate reality 1982, where the south won the Civil War? Or is this the future? And if this IS the future…how did THAT recruitment speech go? “Hey guys, sorry about the Civil War, but we totally got this….this time around! My guess is it’s just that Hal Needham made Smokey and the Bandit, and thinks rednecks are funny. But seriously though, if this is a “phantom army” why even represent your country if they don’t know you exist? Oh fuck it..
Vger then informs Ace that she is coming along too. After an awkward training montage that ends at Dave N’ Buster’s, it is revealed that Vger has a perfect score. Yet anyway Ace reveals that bringing in an outsider would jeopardize the operation of 60 men who have trained to work together as a unit that understands each other’s every move. Well…then WHY IN THE FUCK, would you waste time and resources on this, if the answer was going to be no to begin with? No wonder gas prices are so high…thanks a lot, MEGAFORCE! That still doesn’t stop the worst love story in cinematic history from trying to happen. Even though Ace basically just man splained Vger from going out with the boys, she still loves him, they kiss and do this stupidly awkward thumb kiss thing…that creeps me out, and happens multiple times in the film. It’s just super weird! Anyways, now that THAT bullshit is out of the way…we can get to the plain, and have us some action. FINALLY!!!
This is where the most of the movie’s budget goes. The vehicles and uniforms are stealth black, and Megaforce blows the shit out of everything while a counter at the corner of the movie screen counts down. A nice touch to be honest. After this is all settled….something truly weird happens. Guerera choppers into the make shift camp, and shares a few moments and stories about lighters with Ace as they hug and kiss. What in the legends of FUCK is even going on in this movie anymore? The “evil” in this movie is basically and old flame? Fuck The Turing Test, I don’t even know what planet I am on anymore.
The next not so chocking reveal is that General Fuck P-0 has played Ace, and made his actions look like an act of war. Not surprised at all. I was just starting to like that general too. The stick up his ass, had a stick up IT’s ass. We share some more awkward thumb kisses, and several close ups of Barry Bostwick’s package, and buttocks. They are practically characters in the movie at this point. And Hal Needham has some massive homoerotic aggression pent up inside of him. Jesus Murphy!
So Commander Ace Freeball’s grand plan is to basically split up the army, and go in separate directions, and then dump the expensive vehicles, self destruct them, and then meet up on a plane? Of course we get this lovely chase sequence of colored smoke, that doesn’t make any combat sense, but paints a lovely rainbow color across the desert floor. Unfortunately, Ace has an accident, then he goes to the tank that Guerera is in, and bangs on the hatch with his toy gun. This allows him to make the most wonderful cinematic quote in history: “The good guys always win, even in the 80’s”
The good guys always win, even in the 80’s! _Commander Ace Hunter
It’s the best part that sends this movie from being full blown trash, to a bad movie masterpiece. The transport plane had to take off, but Ace jumps back on his dirt bike and races towards it. He presses a couple of buttons, and two wings fold out of the back, and he flies up into the air like Buck Rogers. I can’t make this shit up! As he rides the motorcycle into the landing bay, he jumps off the bike and does a little sashay, and throws his hands up in the air as his men cheer him on.
Movies like this are one of a kind. Terrible, yet charming! For all of the stupid shit I ripped on from the first sentence, such as lame villains, lack of any kind of tension, or violence, Hell almost no conflict even, it is still entertaining enough to be a cult classic. This movie failed at the box office, and never saw a sequel, but that doesn’t stop people from talking about it, or even ripping off of it. Power Rangers Megaforce, G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, AND Team America all ripped off this movie years after it’s release. Mattel made all of the spandex costumes, with grenades, I can’t help but think that given a few years time, and just a different license from Hasbro would have just made this a G.I. Joe franchise. It probably still would have sucked, but it would have been better than the last two G.I. Joe movies. For as much as I fault it, I can still give this 3 out of 5 cheese curds, it has problems, but nothing about seemed to be mean spirited. I recommend watching this one in groups of people with popcorn. And remember, knowning is half the battle, I mean “deeds, not words”. MEGAFORCE!!!