Month: August 2019

Once Upon a Time In…Hollywood, A Raiders of the Lost Flicks Review…sort of…

Margot Robbie is the plot of the film. Reject this hypothesis…

by Groovinator, The Cynical Cyborg

Video reviews are more reactionary. Especially something that’s still new in a movie theater. For the old movies on Cynical Cyborg Cinema, there will only be minor alterations between video and written, because I’m usually going for a series of feelings, and jokes, rather than try to convince you to see this movie. This one will be a little more different than my video material.

I tend to avoid reading, or watching other videos when I write a review, because I want that reaction to be as genuinely fresh as possible. I did that, and then I decided to watch some reviews on YouTube after I uploaded my own just to see if I happened to say the same things as other critics. So far the only thing I repeated was that Once Upon a Time In…Hollywood is a Tarentino style love letter to Hollywood, and that Brad Pitt, and Leonardo DiCaprio had very good on screen chemistry. It’s true about it being a love letter to Hollywood, as a snapshot of a bygone era. Tarantino is coming close to the end of his career (he has committed to doing only 10 films), and that’s damn impressive considering all of his movies have been either critical, and or, commercial successes. 10 seems like a nice round number. Point I’m getting at, is he doesn’t have to take shit from anyone, doesn’t have to prove himself to anyone, and doesn’t have to make any apologies for anything. So when I see clickbait trash journalists poke him with a stick, it gives me a great feeling of satisfaction to snap back at one of them without hesitation.

Splish splash I was drunk off my ass…

One of the complaints I hear about this one is feet, and I am kind sad I didn’t mention it, but as I stated in my video review…the movie left me with an uplifting positive feeling of satisfaction when I left the theater. That’s what stayed with me between yesterday and today. Yes Quentin has a foot fetish. It’s in all of his films. It never really distracts from the movie, but he does have a thing with feet. Dirty feet. In this one he makes those feet as prominent as possible. Nasty dirty feet right in the center of the damn screen as if it’s Tarantino’s way of saying “take THAT audiences! How you like me now?”

So then she asks me if I was circumcised…

The other complaint I hear is some people feel the length. I can understand that criticism. For the past ten years the most popular movies at the box office have been Marvel Studios Cinematic Universe, or MCU. We’ve gone from having one of those a year to 2 or 3 in a given year now. Not saying those movies are bad, but they do have a very similar formula in that every single one of them has a familiar cadence to delivery of dialogue. Every scene has to count. Every single scene in the movie has to check a specific demographic. Most movies have tried to replicate this formula in hope of replicating the amount of revenue that those movies bring. Most average people see about 3 or 4 movies in a theater a year. Chances are, at least two of those are probably Marvel Movies. So what I am saying is that audiences have been trained to except a certain type of delivery. They expect to see revelations after the credits. They expect a certain number of jokes. The Marvel formula you will! A lot of people seeing movies now might not remember Tarantino movies, where you get long discussions about piercings, elaborate descriptions about milk shakes, hamburgers, or Madonna’s Big Dick. Also this movie is a bit of a throwback film as are many of Tarantino’s earlier releases. This one has long establishing shots of people eating, dancing, or driving a car for 10 minutes while listening to the radio. There is one scene where Pitt and DiCaprio are watching a scene on an old TV set. Not sure why, but I enjoyed the Hell out of those scenes, because I am old enough to remember those kind of movies and what they were like. In other words, I remember what movies were like before the MCU cannibalized the cinaplexes around the world.

Dirty feet, in your face. Smell my feet, audiences!!!

This one is admittedly less violent than most Tarantino movies which was a massive surprise, but it was also refreshing to see that he wasn’t putting these scenes in a movie just to tic a checkbox for people with short attention spans.

I am so not falling for this “Black Friday Door Buster” bullshit again. Not even…

I mentioned that I sat through 20 fucking minutes of trailers I’ve either already seen, or movies that I don’t care about. This movie didn’t make me bored or uncomfortable, or impatient. I was falling in love with a good movie. Something I haven’t felt in a long time.

Show don’t tell. Tarantino shows you where STDs come from, he doesn’t have to tell you…

The last complaint I heard was that the “story” isn’t necessarily resolved as far as Brad Pitt’s motives. I think that’s open to your own interpretation. Some people may have forgot a movie called Pulp Fiction that is basically an assemblage of vignettes made to look like footage that was cut from a bigger movie, and deliberately shown out of sequence. I personally have to admit that I like a movie that is shown in order. There is a story here, and everything does happen in order, and things are set up for a reason, and I admit that not ALL plot points are completely spelled put for you with flashy lights and arrows, but I didn’t walk away confused. I was deeply satisfied by the resolution of this Hollywood fairy tale. I still feel after at least 24 hours of reflection, that my perfect score of 5 out of 5 cheese curds is justified and true.

So this asshole who calls himself Chuck, says he pissed into a truck’s gas tank once, and created Optimus Prime?!

In an age where movies are announced with powerpoints that show roadmaps and “phases”, for movies that will be coming out long after I am dust and rust. I am getting instantly bored out of my skull knowing every single movie coming out for the next 25 years or so. Sooo…you will have to forgive me if I might have glossed over dirty nasty feet, long scenes of driving, talking and eating, and plots that aren’t explained with crayons and lights. I went to see the kind of movie that I’d been waiting for, and am left with both a deep satisfaction, and a melancholy feeling, that Hollywood has changed so much that I don’t recognize it anymore.

Groovinator Reviews latest Tarantino Film.
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Megaforce (1982) – Cyncial Cyborg Cinema

A classic tale of stunts and thumb kisses.

by Groovinator, The Cynical Cyborg

Oh Megaforce, I have a love hate relationship with you. An unhealthy one. This movie fails the Turing Test on so many levels, I don’t even know where to begin.

Megaforce is the brain child of Hal Needham, the guy responsible for such cigar chompin’ Skoal spitting, ball scratching classics as Smokey and the Bandit, Hooper, and The Cannonball Run. So basically movies where rednecks explain the plot in between stunts by yelling exposition at each other through “CB radios”.

Apparently he wanted to make a franchise movie that was epic like Star Wars, with multiple movies, and lots of franchise money could be made with merchandising. Of course it might of worked, since the plot was similar to G.I. Joe, but this pre-dates it by a couple of years. More on that later.

Ponch and John’s little known stint in the “phantom army” known as Megaforce!

So we open up with some loose explanation of the super secret army known as Megaforce is basically fighting the forces of evil from a hidden base. Sound familiar? The opening crawl is actually pretty cool and reminds me of an early 90’s KMFDM video. The first scene establishes our villains, the worst I have ever seen since…nuclear man. Again, this pre-dates that too. Maybe this movie is from the future, I doubt it. More on that later too. Some schmuck is reading some kind of statement, and actually saying “comma, and period” in between, and after sentences. Worst Cobra Commander ever. I hope his ass get’s Serpentored, by season 3. (G.I. Joe fan deep cuts anyone?) Guerera played by Henry Silva is the tank commander that has had quite enough of commander Not Cobra’s shit and decides to fire the tanks at a model of a factory while the worker’s look on. Guess lunch break got extended.

So tell me good sir, does spandex ride up your ass in the dessert while shooting missiles at balloons?

We then quickly meet Zara, (Persis Khambatta), and Byrne-White ( Edward Mulhare), or as I like to call them, “Vger, and Chuckle Fuck P-0”. Who must seek out the help of Megaforce to stop the evil Guerra from blowing shit up. A limo drives them out to the middle of a desert, and a rattlesnake almost bites them during one of Chuckle Fuck P-0’s rants. Introducing Dallas ( Michael Beck We then quickly meet Zara, (Persis Khambatta), and Byrne-White ( Edward Mulhare), or as I like to call them, “Vger, and Chuckle Fuck P-0”. Who must seek out the help of Megaforce to stop the evil Guerra from blowing shit up. A limo drives them out to the middle of a desert, and a rattlesnake almost bites them during one of Chuckle Fuck P-0’s rants. Introducing Dallas (Michael Beck), who informs us that there is no rank in Megaforce, except for one commander. Well that must have a great retention program. No advancement opportunities? No employee of the month parking? Surely there has to be some reason to want to succeed in the Megaforce? Worst military since the Coast Guard!

Anyways Dallas shows Vger, and Fuck P-0 how holograms work, and then take us to meet the infamous leader of the Megaforce. After witnessing a spectacular dirt bike sequence that shoots missiles at balloons, one single dirt bike jumps over a truck, and lands. Once the helmet is removed, the locks flow out that would make Barry Gibb’s heart skip a beat. We meet “Ace Hunter”, (Barry Bostwick), well there goes MY PORNO NAME, thanks…Megaforce!

That’s right ladies. More package than any small country could even handle. MEGAFORCE!

We get the nickel tour, and Dallas introduces us to budget “Q”, and shows us the giant underground facility that has all of the high tech equipment that the world has never seen. Supposedly leaders of the world secretly contribute to this phantom army to solve world problems….wait….nah forget it. That’s all the explanation we get. We see some actually pretty cool matte paintings, and then we go dinner. Megaforce shows up wearing these really hilarious blue bell hop uniforms which really don’t make sense since this is supposed to be a “phantom army” why wear uniforms at all? Of course it is so Barry Gibb, I mean Barry Bostwick can show off his camel toe, or package, depending on which scene we see next.

Guerera stole his lighter. That’s the plot. Still more plot than Suicide Squad.

At dinner, Ace reveals that he knows everything about Guerera, and they used to be buddies, until something bad happened. He stole Ace’s lighter. I can’t make this shit up! The post dinner scene is yet another hologram showing Ace’s retarded plan to basically blow the shit out of all the units in 4 minutes, and then get Guerera to chase them into another territory. The plot is really thin, and doesn’t make a lot of logistical sense. Just know they show us a thing, and they will blow up a thing, to get Guerera away from the thing. Clear as mud? Good. Speaking of logistics…The entire time Dallas has a confederate flag on his uniform. This is probably the part where I am supposed to make some statement about racism or whatever, but fuck that, we got twitter for that shit. I am more concerned with the logistics of the confederate flag. Assuming this takes place in 1982, is it…an alternate reality 1982, where the south won the Civil War? Or is this the future? And if this IS the future…how did THAT recruitment speech go? “Hey guys, sorry about the Civil War, but we totally got this….this time around! My guess is it’s just that Hal Needham made Smokey and the Bandit, and thinks rednecks are funny. But seriously though, if this is a “phantom army” why even represent your country if they don’t know you exist? Oh fuck it..

Uniforms provided by Mattel. No, seriously.

Vger then informs Ace that she is coming along too. After an awkward training montage that ends at Dave N’ Buster’s, it is revealed that Vger has a perfect score. Yet anyway Ace reveals that bringing in an outsider would jeopardize the operation of 60 men who have trained to work together as a unit that understands each other’s every move. Well…then WHY IN THE FUCK, would you waste time and resources on this, if the answer was going to be no to begin with? No wonder gas prices are so high…thanks a lot, MEGAFORCE! That still doesn’t stop the worst love story in cinematic history from trying to happen. Even though Ace basically just man splained Vger from going out with the boys, she still loves him, they kiss and do this stupidly awkward thumb kiss thing…that creeps me out, and happens multiple times in the film. It’s just super weird! Anyways, now that THAT bullshit is out of the way…we can get to the plain, and have us some action. FINALLY!!!

How do I quit you?

This is where the most of the movie’s budget goes. The vehicles and uniforms are stealth black, and Megaforce blows the shit out of everything while a counter at the corner of the movie screen counts down. A nice touch to be honest. After this is all settled….something truly weird happens. Guerera choppers into the make shift camp, and shares a few moments and stories about lighters with Ace as they hug and kiss. What in the legends of FUCK is even going on in this movie anymore? The “evil” in this movie is basically and old flame? Fuck The Turing Test, I don’t even know what planet I am on anymore.

Know where this is going? Right up the doo da!

The next not so chocking reveal is that General Fuck P-0 has played Ace, and made his actions look like an act of war. Not surprised at all. I was just starting to like that general too. The stick up his ass, had a stick up IT’s ass. We share some more awkward thumb kisses, and several close ups of Barry Bostwick’s package, and buttocks. They are practically characters in the movie at this point. And Hal Needham has some massive homoerotic aggression pent up inside of him. Jesus Murphy!

Rednecks. Essential to any Hal Needham movie.

So Commander Ace Freeball’s grand plan is to basically split up the army, and go in separate directions, and then dump the expensive vehicles, self destruct them, and then meet up on a plane? Of course we get this lovely chase sequence of colored smoke, that doesn’t make any combat sense, but paints a lovely rainbow color across the desert floor. Unfortunately, Ace has an accident, then he goes to the tank that Guerera is in, and bangs on the hatch with his toy gun. This allows him to make the most wonderful cinematic quote in history: “The good guys always win, even in the 80’s”

The good guys always win, even in the 80’s! _Commander Ace Hunter

It’s the best part that sends this movie from being full blown trash, to a bad movie masterpiece. The transport plane had to take off, but Ace jumps back on his dirt bike and races towards it. He presses a couple of buttons, and two wings fold out of the back, and he flies up into the air like Buck Rogers. I can’t make this shit up! As he rides the motorcycle into the landing bay, he jumps off the bike and does a little sashay, and throws his hands up in the air as his men cheer him on.

It’s a bird. It’s a plane? It’s flying Bee Gees!!!

Movies like this are one of a kind. Terrible, yet charming! For all of the stupid shit I ripped on from the first sentence, such as lame villains, lack of any kind of tension, or violence, Hell almost no conflict even, it is still entertaining enough to be a cult classic. This movie failed at the box office, and never saw a sequel, but that doesn’t stop people from talking about it, or even ripping off of it. Power Rangers Megaforce, G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, AND Team America all ripped off this movie years after it’s release. Mattel made all of the spandex costumes, with grenades, I can’t help but think that given a few years time, and just a different license from Hasbro would have just made this a G.I. Joe franchise. It probably still would have sucked, but it would have been better than the last two G.I. Joe movies. For as much as I fault it, I can still give this 3 out of 5 cheese curds, it has problems, but nothing about seemed to be mean spirited. I recommend watching this one in groups of people with popcorn. And remember, knowning is half the battle, I mean “deeds, not words”. MEGAFORCE!!!

Megaforce (1982) – Cynical Cyborg Cinema