by Reality’s Frank
Recently, in spite of my Disney boycott, I went to watch the new Spider-Man. First time I’ve gone to see a movie in the theater since “Logan.” I wasn’t impressed.
I’m not going to bother with spoiler alerts, or even breaking down the story and plot. Instead I’m going to lay out some of the problems I had with this film, and if I overlook something or remember something else wrong, you’ll have to forgive me, I only saw it once.
First of all I find it pathetically convenient that EVERY ONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS vanished in the snap, or the “blip” as they’re now calling it. For no reason at all. Aunt May is still young and attractive, all the kids in Peter’s class are the same age and still in the same grade, and there’s been no development at all since the first movie.
Second. Michelle (because I refuse to call her MJ) is acting like a completely different person. I can only assume this was the one change they were willing to make in response to the fan’s displeasure. She acts like an actual human being from Earth, and no longer exists merely to be abrasive and unpleasant. And for some reason, Peter is madly in love with her. It sure would have been nice if we could have seen some of this character arc, but nope.
Third. The CG looks awful. After seeing the Hulk brought to life in the Avengers movies, I’ve come to expect a certain level of quality. All of that is gone. Most, if not all, the CG shots were on par with Harry Potter, and that’s not a compliment. The damn wolves in Twilight looked better than this crap!
Fourth. The “Peter Tingle.” Fuck. You.
Fifth. The humor consistently falls flat. Ned is still annoying, and I nearly rolled my eyes out of my head when out of nowhere he and Betty Brant are suddenly in a relationship throughout the movie which is then abruptly dropped as soon as they get home. Fuck. You.
Sixth. Night Monkey. Ned calls Peter “Night Monkey” so Betty won’t put the pieces together and realize Spider-Man is on their school trip like in the first movie and figure out he’s one of their class. And the best name he could come up with is Night Monkey. This was the point I nearly walked out.
Seventh. Mysterio’s motives. He wants revenge on Tony Stark’s legacy because he named his invention (which Tony bought for a massive and totally reasonable sum) BARF. This was the holographic device Tony demonstrated in the beginning of Civil War. Yup, Mysterio is pissed and wants to create fake disasters and make himself appear to be a hero because Stark named his invention BARF. Fuck. You.
Last. In the first post-credit scene, Peter’s secret identity is blown wide open in front of the whole world. After only two adventures, Spider-Man’s real name is revealed, and the last desperate shreds of everything that defined his character in the comics are swept away for the sake of a cameo. Aunt May, the kids at school, J. Jonah Jameson, everyone knows who he is. Fuck. You.
I hated this movie, I’ll never see it again, and Disney will never see another dime of my money for anything if I can help it. For over 10 years I religiously followed the MCU, and up to a point, they were all great films. They only started to lose me with “Thor Ragnarok” because it was clearly the beginning of the downward spiral. But that’s a rant for another day…
If you want my advice, skip this movie and every other in the MCU going forward. Once again Disney has ruined everything, forever and always. Amen.