Month: July 2019

Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance

by Adam M. Wilcox

Some of the best worst movies come from what we like to call “happy accidents”. It usually involves a director who’s ambitions are greater than the some of the budget, or lack of knowledge. In 1991, Amir Shervan made a happy accident called “Samurai Cop“, a direct to video knock off of Lethal Weapon, which has become a cult classic in recent years.

Movies like these are fun to watch for sure, but the “problem” is that these happy accidents are exactly that, happy accidents. You can’t plan a disaster, and have it always work. You can’t always have your cake and eat it too.

Samurai Cop was so bad, that actor Mathew Karedas (billed as Matt Hannon) tried to get fired from the production, especially after extensive re-shoots, however…the director used these scenes anyways. That is a tale for another article. Right now, let’s get back to the movie at hand. The sequel to the happy accident that was funded by a Kickstarter campaign.

I think Ian Malcolm said it best in Jurassic Park; ” Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.” While it is a joy that a sequel to Samurai Cop seen the light of day, nobody stopped to think of what a movie like that would look like. All I can say is well…it exists.

Samurai Cop 2 looks like the way an REO Speedwagon tour bus probably smells; Full of stale sex, crotch sweat, spilled bear, and thousand year old cigarette smoke.

Samurai Cop 2 looks like the way an REO Speedwagon tour bus probably smells; Full of stale sex, crotch sweat, spilled bear, and thousand year old cigarette smoke. This is not a jab at Matthew Karedas, Hell, I WISHED I looked that good at his age right now. The problem is the execution of this movie. We all get it is supposed to be bad, but how much can your senses sustain the cinematic equivalent of a stroke happening in real time? I digress.

Amir Shervan met the choir invisible in 2006, so this one is “directed” by Gregory Hatanaka , who funded the release of the now widely popular original. I am using air quotes as I type this, because “directed” is a relatively loose term here. I am by no stretch of the means, a director, but I have been watching movies and videos long enough on this mortal coil, to know what works, and what does not work.

Everyone was in such a hurry to get these people back together, that nobody stopped to wonder if they should.

Samurai Cop 2 is a movie in the sense that….um…there are people on the screen that say words, and do stuff. Eventually it stops, and then there are end credits. The plot? I have no fucking clue what this movie is about. I swear I have top men working on it right now. Who? TOP…MEN… From the best I can make of it, Joe (Matt Karedas) lost his wife shortly after the first movie, when she was gunned down by a child, he then went into obscurity. His partner, “not Danny Glover”, Frank has been working as a detective ever since. Some nonsense about some not so oriental gangs are about to start a gang war, and Joe is called back out of retirement to go on “one last ride” with Frank again, to go take down the bad guys. To be fair, Joe and Frank are the best parts of the show, but we have to make room for the elephant from The Room , I mean the elephant IN The Room…Tommy Wiseau, yes the “your tearing me apart Lisa!!!” guy. He shows up as a guy named Linton, who I guess is a bad guy…. but well…most of his scenes are solo monologues where Tommy is recreating what having a stroke looks like in slow motion. You know, being Tommy! I am guessing that Hatanaka just gives Tommy an outline, turns on the camera and says….”ACTION”, and what you get is the end result. That was funny in The Room, but it’s been almost 10 years since that one came out…this is getting painful to watch, and I am a guy that LOVES Miami Connection, in the way that film snobs gush on about Citizen Kane!

This is Tommy Wiseau, yeah the guy that made “The Room”, having a stroke in slow motion….in every scene…for the entire movie!

Let’s get back to Gregory Hatanaka’s “direction” for a moment. Did you ever blow your nose so hard, that everything starts spinning. Ever get something slipped into your drink at a bar? Ever been drunk, stoned, or all of the above? THAT…is how Hatanaka does action scenes. I kid you not, The action scenes in this movie all look like you just got shitfaced. Which is a bit of a bummer, because it looked like most of the actors were actually trying, at least with the action scenes. It would have been nice to see some of them. Especially now that Matt Keredas actually gets to do more Samurai stuff in the movie this time. Damn.

Nobody bothered to tell Bai Ling that this is not a “real Hollywood picture”, not even Tommy Wiseau.

Speaking of missed opportunities, the most famous jaw in movie history, Robert Z’Dar died before this movie started filming, and technically died in the last movie, if we are even CONSIDERING CANON for Samurai fucking Cop. So the bad henchmen roll this time is played by Bai Ling, who still thinks she is a high profile babe from the 90’s. Nobody bothered to tell Bai Ling, that this was not a real Hollywood, picture, not even Tommy Wiseau. She’s still hot, but she frightens me. Pretty sure she would rip my balls off and dip them in BBQ sauce and eat them off of a party tray, and that’s only because craft services didn’t show up fast enough. She chews through scenery, like the way a Great White shark chews through a chum line in the middle of July. Is that a good thing? I don’t know, still trying to come down from those last few fight scenes…give me a break will ya?

What you don’t see in this scene, is the hand up Gerald Okamura’s ass making him talk. Still a better Mandarin than Iron Man 3.

The most impressive part of Samurai Cop 2 was the fact that they DID manage to get most of the actors and actresses back from the original movie’s line up. There is enough Botox and Bronzer in this movie to make Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee consider reconciling. Some of these people look beat to shit, and no that is not meant in a nice way. Gerald Okamura looks like his lines are operated by having somebody’s hand shoved up his ass like a weird sock puppet. Still, kudos to the Kickstarter who probably raised enough money to drive down to West Hollywood in a pick up truck full of dime bags to honk and get these lovely people to show up again. Of course that is basically the movie too. A virtual who’s who of cast members, and extras. Anyone who wasn’t alive or replaced with Bai Ling was filled with resident has beens such as Ralph Garman, and Joe Estevez, Joe fucking ESTEVEZ?! No offense, but I didn’t know this guy existed before this movie. At first I thought I was having a stroke, because he looks like Martin Sheen, and Danny Divito DeVito had an illegitimate love child raised by Abe Vigoda on a mushroom farm.

Matt Keredas gets to do way more Samurai stuff in the movie this time, but you will never see any of it, because the camera man is drunk, and wants you to be drunk with him.

The version I watched I believe was censored for nudity, but doesn’t really matter, we have online hubs for that sort of thing. I came to see another Samurai Cop, but as I feared, you can’t recreate these moments. Happy accidents are not planned. They just happen, and you get something fun out of it. I can’t be completely cynical, if people paid money to get all of these people together in a movie, then it delivered that, even if…most of it is Tommy Wiseau having a stroke, or various Hollywood nobodies standing in front of a green screen shouting expansionary dialogue. The soundtrack was brought to you by “check my soundcloud bruh”, and “yo buy my mix tape brother” productions. It’s all over the place, punk, dubstep, trap music, pick whatever you like, and dilute it with enough water to where it tastes like La Croix, or whatever kind of piss water the hipsters are snorting now days.

My face every time somebody tells me they’re “favorite unintentionally bad movies” are Sharknado.

Samurai Cop 2 is like staying at the bar way too long, and some schlubby Journey song starts playing, and there is an old drunk lady dancing by herself in the corner saying “this…this is my song….”, then pukes on the bar. Do you keep watching out of some sick morbid curiosity, or does that mean it is time to call an Uber? The director doesn’t know either. It’s just weird, and awkward, but not necessarily in a good way. I am giving this unhappy accident a 2 out of 5 cheese curds, just for being impressed that this one managed to cram as many “has been” entertainers into one movie as much as the next Sharknado. If you watch it, watch only for the morbid curiosity of what it would be like to get the cast of Samurai Cop, a direct to video movie made in 1991, into another movie. Otherwise, show yourself to the door, and try to step on anything sharp on your way out, if you know what I mean, and I think you do!

Spider-Man Far From Home. I hope he doesn’t come back.

by Reality’s Frank

Recently, in spite of my Disney boycott, I went to watch the new Spider-Man. First time I’ve gone to see a movie in the theater since “Logan.” I wasn’t impressed.

I’m not going to bother with spoiler alerts, or even breaking down the story and plot. Instead I’m going to lay out some of the problems I had with this film, and if I overlook something or remember something else wrong, you’ll have to forgive me, I only saw it once.

First of all I find it pathetically convenient that EVERY ONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS vanished in the snap, or the “blip” as they’re now calling it. For no reason at all. Aunt May is still young and attractive, all the kids in Peter’s class are the same age and still in the same grade, and there’s been no development at all since the first movie.

Second. Michelle (because I refuse to call her MJ) is acting like a completely different person. I can only assume this was the one change they were willing to make in response to the fan’s displeasure. She acts like an actual human being from Earth, and no longer exists merely to be abrasive and unpleasant. And for some reason, Peter is madly in love with her. It sure would have been nice if we could have seen some of this character arc, but nope.

Third. The CG looks awful. After seeing the Hulk brought to life in the Avengers movies, I’ve come to expect a certain level of quality. All of that is gone. Most, if not all, the CG shots were on par with Harry Potter, and that’s not a compliment. The damn wolves in Twilight looked better than this crap!

Fourth. The “Peter Tingle.” Fuck. You.

Fifth. The humor consistently falls flat. Ned is still annoying, and I nearly rolled my eyes out of my head when out of nowhere he and Betty Brant are suddenly in a relationship throughout the movie which is then abruptly dropped as soon as they get home. Fuck. You.

Sixth. Night Monkey. Ned calls Peter “Night Monkey” so Betty won’t put the pieces together and realize Spider-Man is on their school trip like in the first movie and figure out he’s one of their class. And the best name he could come up with is Night Monkey. This was the point I nearly walked out.

Seventh. Mysterio’s motives. He wants revenge on Tony Stark’s legacy because he named his invention (which Tony bought for a massive and totally reasonable sum) BARF. This was the holographic device Tony demonstrated in the beginning of Civil War. Yup, Mysterio is pissed and wants to create fake disasters and make himself appear to be a hero because Stark named his invention BARF. Fuck. You.

Last. In the first post-credit scene, Peter’s secret identity is blown wide open in front of the whole world. After only two adventures, Spider-Man’s real name is revealed, and the last desperate shreds of everything that defined his character in the comics are swept away for the sake of a cameo. Aunt May, the kids at school, J. Jonah Jameson, everyone knows who he is. Fuck. You.

I hated this movie, I’ll never see it again, and Disney will never see another dime of my money for anything if I can help it. For over 10 years I religiously followed the MCU, and up to a point, they were all great films. They only started to lose me with “Thor Ragnarok” because it was clearly the beginning of the downward spiral. But that’s a rant for another day…

If you want my advice, skip this movie and every other in the MCU going forward. Once again Disney has ruined everything, forever and always. Amen.

Stranger Things: Season 3 Spoiler review

by Adam M. Wilcox

Thar be spoilers ahead, you have been warned!

When it comes to milking 80’s nostalgia for dollars, Stranger Things is one of those few water cooler type conversations that is least likely to end in an argument. The fusion of Stephen King, Steven Spielberg, and John Carpenter style science fiction, and horror elements are probably some of the most fun most people have had since the original run of The X-Files. Slickly shot, and told from the perspective of a child, not too dissimilar from movies such as IT, Stand By Me, E.T., or even The Goonies, it’s commitment to being a throwback series with painstaking detail has won the hearts of critics an audiences, becoming more or less, a flagship series for Netflix’s streaming service.

It’s been a full year since we seen the kids of Hawkins Indiana. Last time it came out on Halloween. This time, we see the kids on summer break during 4th of July weekend. I have to commend the film makers for releasing these seasons around the time of year in which these episodes take place. However, it’s not all sunshine, Madonna and fireworks this time. Before I become a Buzz Killington, let me get the good stuff out of the way first.

The production budget on this season is phenomenal as it should be. Marketing for this one has been literally all over the place. All summer, every product you buy has been trying to sell Spider-Man or Stranger Things. Even going so far as to resurrect the infamous Coke II, as a product tie in. More on that later.

Special effects in this season are stunning. The bigger budget really shows!

Special affects are incredible. Though used mostly by CG, images of a giant Mindflayer monster trying to cross into our world is a lovely throwback to the 1988 remake of The Blob. Also some of the attack scenes are very reminiscent of Aliens . The music is more of the same, that we have heard from previous seasons, and I don’t want to undercut how brilliant that John Carpenter-like score is, but it IS stuff we have heard before. The rest is, whatever 80’s song hasn’t been licensed for use in the series quite yet. One of the sets in this series is a large shopping complex called The Starcourt Mall. It is the first mall in Hawkins Indiana, and it’s brilliant. I am old enough to remember how much I miss that time in my life where everyone used to go to the mall, because it was just the thing to do. This show nailed that dynamic. Now days, if you even have a mall remotely near you, there might be a few stores still open, most of them are closed, and only open up once a year to sell you Halloween costumes, or wheels of cheese, and you might see a couple of old people walking around. This one is full of people, congregating, and socializing. I miss that period of my life, and even the show also reveals the unfortunate demise of mom and pop stores as a result, it still brought a warm feeling seeing a shopping mall full of people there for reasons other than forced Christmas shopping. Just sayin’…

I want a spin off series with just these two. Nobody else.

The stand out performances in THIS particular season in my opinion are from Gaten Matarazzo as Dustin Henderson, and Joe Keery as Steve Harrington. Steve was more or less, the token bully, yet in an interesting enough twist, becomes a hero by the second season. In this season, the two are rather good friends who still like to take the occasional jab at each other, and they are absolutely wonderful. However, Dustin takes mostly a back seat, so that we can pair Steve up with a new character “Robin” played by Maya Hawk….and now we get into the rest of the review, which is not all bouquets and rainbows.

Meet the “Poochie” of Stranger Things… Robin (left).

First off, let me be completely honest, Robin’s character sucks. Stop me if you have heard this one. She’s a band nerd, did good in school, and enjoys tormenting her co-worker Steve, while working at an ice creamery in the local mall called Scoops. She may have a crush on Steve. Steve might like her too, but is too cool to admit it to anyone, even Dustin, who keeps pressing the issue. Over 6 episodes of trying to force some kind of a relationship between these two. At a certain point, they are captured by Russians and injected a “truth serum” which makes both of them pretty high. Robin admits to Steve that she was pretty obsessed with him in high school. After several events, Steve admits to maybe having a crush and moving to the next level….it is revealed that Robin never had a crush on Steve, she was in love with a girl that sat behind him, that he paid no attention too. TADA, she’s a lesbian! All of that buildup…for THAT? At that point, any budding chemistry is gone, and she just becomes another boring character. And that brings me to my next point.

Much like the infamous Poochie episode from The Simpsons where a hip new dog is introduced to an aging Itchy and Scratchy show mid season, the character is reviled so much, that they literally remove the character from the film cell in the middle of an episode and tell the audiences that “he went back to his home planet.” Season 3 of Stranger Things suffers from way too many characters with not enough to do with all of them. Part of what made things like Stranger Things Season 1, Stand By Me, and IT all work, is the dynamic between all of the main players. A SMALL group of friends working together to try and solve a mystery, or defeat a mysterious enemy. In this season, couples are paired, groups are separated, the strong dynamic is gone, and the chemistry between these pairings most of the time simply does not work. I would have loved to seen more from Dustin and Steve, but instead they waste this stupid paring of Steve and Robin that goes absolutely no place. I am thinking Robin needs to go back to her home planet.

“Come to the coast, get out of my face, your jokes don’t make me laugh…”

And speaking of annoying. Priah Ferguson returns as Erica Sinclair, a fan favorite from Season 2. In this season she has become a caricature. A meme. Her roll is to simply lip off to everyone who ever communicates with her about anything. To spout out jokes. And let’s talk about the jokes…

Season 1 had some jokes, and mostly they were put in for character development. Or to mildly ease the tension a bit to allow the audience time to breath in between intense scenes. In this season, it’s a regular joke-athon joke o’-rama! There are so many forced and unfunny jokes in this season that any tension that may have been built was virtually non existent as a result of if it. Nobody appreciates good humor more than I do, but in the right place, at the right time. This season borders on The Last Jedi levels of overused bad jokes. Now let’s talk about that plot, or lack thereof.

Pffft…who needs plot when you got jokes….am I right? Corn dog anyone?

Thankfully Will Buyers is not just getting abducted again. This time the mind flayer has crossed into our world, and bad boy bully low rent poor decision making Rob Lowe Billy Hargrove is the first one to get possessed by the mind flayer after a botched attempt at an affair with a local desperate housewife. After Billy, several others in the town begin to get possessed as well, turning them into basically a hive mind version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers . This pseudo zombie possession thing is actually really interesting because at any point, these people are injured or hurt, the entire hive experiences the same wounds. Eventually when the body dies, they kind of turn into a REALLY AMAZING version of the 1988 Blob I mentioned before, bones parts, feet, all floating in the muck, yet not leaving so much as a trace of slime behind them. Not the worst set up for a story, however, we have to hurry up and cut back to the jokes marathon, and we have to show how Nancy Wheeler (Natalia Dyer), and Jonathan Byers are working as interns for the local news paper which is run by misogynistic oafs who spend the day making jokes, and berating Nancy while she runs along and fetches them coffee. They even call her Nancy Drew. Nancy and Jonathan have about as much chemistry as a tube of toothpaste and a grapefruit put together. These two are a couple in real life…wow.

These two have about as much chemistry as oily rags in a fire.

And while we are on boring couples, Let’s talk about Jim and Joyce (David Harbor, and Winona Ryder. David Harbor was the cool chief that figures out what’s going on in the first season, and now he has been reduced to a bumbling idiot. These two are just annoying as cat piss. They have no chemistry, unless you consider tossing oily rags into a fire as some sort of chemistry, it might sound hot on paper, but it just stinks. I swear I am getting back to the plot, but I have to tell it this way, because this is how the show makes you feel. So much fat is left on the table, that the story is forgotten…often. Too often to make room for more awkward jokes, and forced relationships. This is Stranger Singles.

The real stars of Stranger Things search desperately for the plot.

Eventually Nancy Drew does figure out the plot that the mind flayer is back, but it’s the kids in the mall that “crack the code” which involves a large Russian military facility built underneath the Starcourt Mall which is there specifically to drill into the gate between Hawkins, and The Upside Down.

We sadly don’t get to see much of the upside down in this episode because we have to keep cutting back to relationships that will never pay off, and more damn jokes. The pacing is awful in this season, however at about episode 5….yes half way through the season, it does pick up, and it’s pretty exciting. Predictable as HELL, but entertaining enough. Our bad guys in this show are not good at all. For one thing, I liked the fact that we as the audience knew very little about the upside down, or the creatures that inhabit it. It adds to the aura of mystery. The term I believe is show don’t tell. This season makes the mistake of doing too much of both. The fact that the mind flayer possesses Billy, means that it can now communicate through Billy. Whenever Eleven does one of her mind tricks, Billy taunts Eleven, and reveals it’s plan is to take over the current world, and eliminate all of her friends by telling her that word for word. Great, now the mind flayer is a Bond villain….but hey…stay tuned for more jokes! Speaking of jokes, we get a new henchman which is a very poor attempt at making a large Russian hit-man look as much like Arnold’s 1984 Terminator as humanly possible right down to the finger less gloves, and the spike haircut. It could have been cool, but it comes off as too cheesy for even this show. Nods to 80’s nostalgia can be good, but effort has to be made.

Even The Breakfast Club didn’t need THIS MANY characters.

Eventually the Scoops kids, Dustin, and Erica do finally break into the Russian base, while copying as many lines and scenes from Die Hard as humanly possible. Without having to type out the entire synopsis of the season, the idea is to shut down the drill that is opening the gate, and the mind flayer will be stopped. Unfortunately the final two who have the two keys to do this wind up being Winona Ryder, and David Arbor. David has a scuffle that winds up with him throwing Dollar General Terminator into the drill, and Ryder has to turn both keys, and somehow Arbor goes missing. The mind flayer is destroyed with fireworks, Eleven brings back Billy from the dead long enough to sacrifice himself to the mind flayer as the kids throw fireworks at it in the food court. Once the gate is closed, the mind flayer finally dies.

We cut to a really sad ending that involves news report showing scandal in Hawkins. Then we see Ryder packing up Will, Jonathan, and Eleven, and selling the house and moving away after the entire cast has long tear filled goodbyes. Then there is a post credits scene that takes us to a base in Moscow. We see some Russians dragging somebody out of a jail cell, but “not the American”, down to a basement where apparently they have a demi-gorgon locked up like an animal, and they feed the prisoner to it! Season 4!!! Is the American David Harbor? Well I would certainly hope so, because Hellboy was a flop that won’t be seeing any sequels any time soon!

Less from THESE TWO in season 4. PLEASE?!

It sounds like a rant, I mean it’s not the worst show I have seen, but it IS a bit of a disappointment. Especially coming off the heals of the two really great seasons! I realize that not all shows can have perfect seasons all of the time, but I feel like this one had too many check boxes to tick. Stretching of story, blatant product placement for Coke II, diversity, inclusion, representation became front and center, while the fun horror, sci-fi story took a back seat. It’s not that anyone has any objection to characters coming out as gay or straight, but for the first time, I feel like this show that has been so committed to being a throw back series, has broken character by forcing agendas that do nothing for the story. Robin wants to come out as a Lesbian, fine, but it really removed the dynamic between her and Steve which they spent almost an entire season building up. It is also implied that Will “doesn’t like girls”. Now this could mean that he just simply has not hit puberty yet, or that he might eventually be coming out of the closet. At either rate, these are NOT topics that would have been explored in any 1980s horror or sci-fi film that this show is trying to emulate. I realize that you are trying to attract a diverse audience, but you are breaking character in the process, and ruining your own show. I feel like this show was originally meant to conclude after 3 or 4 seasons, but since Netflix is having a really bad summer with the stock market, and the streaming war, the push to keep this show running as long as possible is hurting the product overall. If I had to slap a rating on this, I would say 2 out of 5 cheese curds. Not the worst thing I have seen, but season 4 really needs to be better than this one for this show to last. Unfortunately it’s going to take more than ticking check boxes to get me to come back for further seasons.

Spoiler review of Stranger Things Season 3, and the uncertain future of Netflix.

Truck Stop Women

When you see a poster like this, you expect this type of a movie. This ain’t no Foxy Brown…
None of this image is in the movie. Sorry.

by Adam Wilcox

So we open up on a naked guy, and a naked girl in a bathtub, when two wise guys that looked like they walked out of Pulp Fiction walk in and blow them away. Cut away to an empty road, with two good looking ladies stranded by the side of a road wearing as little as legally possible. They are standing next to a car in the middle of the road that looks like it might be broke down, because the hood is up. A truck pulls over to help, and as the driver walks up to help, one of the ladies comes up from behind, and smacks him on the back of the head with a wrench. Two minutes later, the women are in the truck driving, and they see some dude on the side of the road. They pick up this dude, and one of them goes into the back of the truck for a little bit of this, and little bit of that. The truck pulls up to “Anna’s Place”, where we immediately cut to Anna Lieux Dressler talking on the phone like an operator, while she happens to spy on several women doing the hokey pokey with several other patrons. All of this is done while whimsical banjo music is playing, AND THIS IS JUST THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES OF THE MOVIE!!!

What movie did I stumble into now?

I have to confess, I figured I was in for a treat, I made a run to my home concession stand for popcorn, this aught to be a HOOT! However… The problem with this movie, is that it can neither find a tone, nor decide what it wants to be.

The worst wise guys since Mario and Luigi. Forgeddabouditt…

The plot is basically that Anna runs a brothel/truck chop shop. A bunch of mafia guys from “the east” want to take over the operation. Also, there is a subplot of her daughter Rose (Claudia Jennings), is losing interest in the truck stop, and wants to get away from her controlling mother.

Ask for the special. Also ask for an HIV test.

In any tangible universe, that is actually not the worst plot to a movie. In fact with the right director, it could be pretty bad ass. The problem is that this movie is directed by Mark Lester, the same genius who made Commando, Firestarter, Roller Boogie, and Class of 1999, which is why I wanted to watch it in the first place. Also with a poster and a title like that…how about boobs? If we are following Joe Bob Briggs style drive in totals, give us the boobs. There are plenty of boobs. In fact the plot and story occasionally peeks out around the boobs to remind you that you are watching a movie that is trying to tell a story.

If you were always hitchhiking with your thumb, clearly you have been doing it wrong.

With movies like this, I would be OK with the boobs for chuckles gag while the banjo music constantly reminds us that this movie is about REDNECKS, in case you might be too stupid to remember. But this movie’s worst sin is the inability to pick a tone. If it was supposed to be an action movie, let’s commit to that. If it is supposed to be high drama, let’s do that. If this is supposed to be a slapstick comedy with boobs and banjo music, then commit to that. Trying to blend all of them together makes any of the other genres not work. Like one minute I am supposed to laugh while a sheriff is chasing a half naked woman half his age out into the parking lot wearing nothing but his tighty whiteys and a cowboy hat, and the next minute some lady is getting shot through the chest. It’s too much excess, and not enough glue to make any of it work at all. At this point the film makes you feel guilty for laughing at any of that stuff earlier, and who needs a movie called Truck Stop Women to make you feel bad about yourself?! Fuck you movie!

Is that a drumstick in your hand, or are you just happy to see me?

It’s not to say the movie is complete loss. There are some moments of half way competent acting. Some not so much. The two “wise guys” are about as Italian as Mario and Luigi. The overall story is not the worst thing I have ever heard, but again…pick a tone movie! It’s basically Sons of Anarchy meets Meatballs, meets Smokey and the Bandit. Yes all of those movies are fun, but not meant to be mixed together. Kind of like Spaghetti, Ice Cream, and Tuna salad, might be great, but not mixed together and served to you in a paper bowl at room temperature. Yes this one is a hot mess. I am giving it 2 out of 5 cheese curds. Barely worth your time. Move along cowboys. Ten Four?