by Adam M. Wilcox
When I say wasted opportunities I can think of a lot of things, like NWA, never getting back together before Easy E died. The Beatles not getting back together before John Lennon died. When it comes to the latest reboot of Hellboy, watching David Harbour in the title role, is a bit like going to a Motley Crue concert with John Corabi as the lead singer. Sure, he can get the job done perfectly fine, but nobody cares.
I was one of those angry folks who were shouting to heavens when Guillermo del Toro’s third movie was dumped for this one. Since I found that the other Hellboy movies were a lot of fun, and that the second trailer actually looked pretty good, I decided to give this a fair shake anyway. I left all of my reservations at the front door. I have to say though, that it IS impossible to not make comparisons. For one, David Harbor’s Hellboy looks like HB has been dancing with Mr. Brownstone on the 6th day, of a 7 day binge. Perlman had the right face that fit the look. David Harbour just looks like he’s really uncomfortable under a ton of makeup and latex. Again, this is a reboot here, for a movie that is not really all that old. It is imposible not to have these expectations. Also, unlike the first one, there is almost no urgency in trying to hide HB from the world. He just kind of walks around on the crime scene, and nobody seems to give less of a fuck? You know who else probably gives less of a fuck? Oscar Winner Gillermo del Toro! Because instead of working on Hellboy 3, he went and made Shape of Water, oscar winner for best picture of 2017. Suck on that Lionsgate!
I have to admit that the first Hellboy trailer was really rough. I was not convinced at all. The second trailer, is what got me to go buy a ticket today and sit through this. Sadly though, all of the best bits were in fact in that trailer, and some of those scenes are about as long as they are in the trailer too. The rest of the budget was spent on those dope movie posters, because it sure wasn’t spent on this script ooo boy…I mean Hellboy. This is an exposition nightmare.
To make this review make more sense, I have to take you back to a time about 15 years ago, when comic book movies were not the norm. Movies had to be sold as movies first. Comics were just a rough outline. Most importantly, you never had to read the comics to understand what was going on in the movie. The original Hellboy had a simple story. Crazy, but simple. The rest of the movie was spent on trying to sell the audience into this strange world that fights monsters with more monsters. Also, it had to make you appreciate the characters, so that when shit happens, you actually care about your characters. This movie could have done that, but the script was so bad, that literally everyone in this movie has to take a back seat to it. I suppose it depends too much on those who have read the Mike Mignola comic books, but nobody reads comic books, and don’t give me any crap about needing to read the comics before I watch this movie. I live in a world where I just watched Hellboy, in a same theater that is showing Captain Marvel, and Shazam, less than two weeks before Avenger’s End Game comes out. I guarantee that every time a bell rings, a comic book store has closed down in your community so nobody else is reading these things either. Get off my lawn with that trash!
The opening sets the tone for the entire movie. Exposition dumb, action, exposition dump, action, over and over to the point where it gets so monotonous that you want to smash your face into your popcorn to make the pain stop. It’s that bad. This happens, and then we go here. This happened, and then we go there. This will happen in London, because TAX BREAKS!!! Seriously. Every character we ever meet in this movie has a convoluted back story to the point to where you almost want to get up and say “WHO FREAKING CARES?!!!”, because the ALL of the characters in this movie except for maybe Professor Broom, and HB are totally forgettable. I don’t even remember the names of them as I am typing this. I could go to IMDB and look, but I would be cheating myself and this review at the same time. And the worst part about that is that there are moments of greatness here. For example, Ian McShae, and David Harbour have a really good chemistry that I would have liked to have seen explored, but it got in the way of the obnoxious flash backs and exposition dumps. It made me sad, and gave me a headache.
The special effects looked pretty good. There were some decent fights between HB and some large monsters, but it would have been nice to have tried to set up these characters better before jumping into the fight. Or maybe tone down that awful script by a few thousand paragraphs or so.
One of the things I was excited about was the appearance of Milla Jovavich, and sadly she is one of the worst villains I have ever seen. Literally every sentence that comes out of her mouth feels like you cut and pasted dialogue from every mustache twirling fucktard villain in every single super hero comic book nonsense movie you have ever seen. Seriously, when you see this, make a drinking game, and take a shot every time Milla says something that you have heard in any other movie.
And the biggest punch in the balls this movie has, would be the ending. The original Hellboy movie had a fake out ending, where you think it’s all over, and then the shit really hits the fan. This movie does quite the opposite. The movie just kind of ends, and then they are doing something else that doesn’t really have anything else to do with the movie at all. Who ever assembled the footage of this movie was either drunk, or was just as lost as I was over this awful script. Of course that doesn’t stop them from trying to eek out two post credit scenes. Yep…setting up future instalments, and I don’t care. I am giving this one 2 out of 5 cheese curds. Probably won’t ever watch this ever again. I am not saying this is the worst movie ever, but it would be better if you just waited for a rental on this one. Seeing what I have seen today, I would have been better off seeing the third and final installment of the Hellboy franchise, but I feel this movie has killed both a chance for a sequel to THIS crap, AND del Toro’s sequel as well. Thanks Lionsgate! Why did you have to go and do my boys dirty like that? Why?