TROLL 2

by Groovinator, The Cynical Cyborg

Come to Nilbog, enjoy our famous chlorophyll inspired baked goods!

Troll 2 came out in 1990. A film staring nobody you ever heard of, with a budget of nothing, directed by an Italian director guy that didn’t even use his own name. The movie was originally titled “Goblin”, but since there was a movie called “Troll” that did alright, United States distributors decided to pass it off as a sequel, even though the film has absolutely nothing to do with Trolls, or any of the characters, or stories from the original Troll movie. Back in the 80’s, producers used to do things like this. Sequels were never planned, they just happened sometimes. That is how the glorious Halloween 3 got made, even though it has nothing to do with the original movie, they will get buts in seats based on the name alone. The script was written by a crazy person. Actually the script was written by the director’s girlfriend, but since there is a huge language barrier between the Italians making this movie, and the actors playing the parts, the result is an anomaly! Troll 2 is one of the worst films I have ever seen. It is the Wizard of Oz of bad movies, and I am so excited to be talking about it. I enjoyed this movie from start to finish, and I didn’t need any Rifftrax style commentary to do so. It is just bat shit insanely funny.

Our story basically opens up with a scene that is reminiscent of a scene from The Princess Bride, where Robert Faulk is reading that book to a young Fred Savage home sick from school. Only in THIS movie, we find out Grandpa is really a ghost. The book in question involves goblins who HAPPEN to be vegetarians, and rather than grow vegetables, they feed magic green potions to humans, and eat them instead? Are you still with me? Good, buckle up for a ride of a lifetime!

The boy’s family doesn’t believe in the ghost of grandpa, so they dismiss this as an imaginary friend situation, and repeatedly ask him to stop. We quickly hasten to the “plot” which involves the family going to “Nilbog”, and exchanging houses with another family that lives there, for the summer. Everyone in this town is batshit crazy, and wants to feed them green baked goods. The ghost of grandpa keeps warning junior that if his family eats the food, they will turn into plants, and get eaten by the goblins! The next scene in which the kid stops his family from eating the food….you NEED to experience for yourself if you never seen this movie. I don’t want to spoil it. Every scene and line of dialogue in this movie starts at cringe level, and ends in unintentional laughter. The acting is so amazingly terrible, you can’t decide if this was intended to be a comedy or not, and after about 30 minutes, you just submit to the insanity and stop caring all together. It is such a train wreck of a film, that you can’t stop watching. My favorite “actress” in this film is Deborah Reed who plays Creedence Leonore Gielgud, the local “Broomhilda” style goblin witch. Her facial expressions either make me laugh, or turn me on…maybe a sick combination of the two. I am not sure…but I absolutely love it!

All of the sets of this movie look like they were purchased at Party City. The goblins have shamrock shaped scars, on their faces, and when they are in full goblin mode, they have little tunics, and really derpy looking goblin masks on. Lots of dry ice is used too. I sometimes wonder if this director ever saw a horror movie in his entire life.

This movie is famous for basically being a cinematic meme. Every time you hear somebody yell “oh my gooooooooooood”, that came from Troll 2. Also, Troll 2 is famous for being the first movie to contain an erotic popcorn scene. It’s hysterical! Never mind plot, never mind plot holes, pacing, acting, anything all of it is done horribly, and you don’t care. There are no rules to this movie or the world it is trying to build, things just happen hilariously for no reason, and then move on to the next scene. This is a fantastic movie to buy, and invite people over and have a party. Seriously, make a bunch of green cookies and cakes, invite some newer friends over that have never seen this, and let the good times roll. Believe it or not, I have been looking for this movie for quite some time. I have heard about it forever, but it was never available on the streaming services, and you sure as HELL can’t buy it in stores. I even seen a documentary about this film that features one of the actors who is now a successful dentist, but really enjoys his small fandom and the cult following this famously horrible movie now has! It is great guilty pleasure entertainment!

Troll 2 is usually a one star movie, but damn it made me laugh so hard, that I am giving this a 5 out of 5 cheese curds. It is a glorious timeless classic! Totally lived up to the hype, and then some! I enjoyed the hell out of this movie, and I will watch it again. I may even buy it on DVD just to have!

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