by Adam M. Wilcox, and Groovinator, The Cynical Cyborg
It would be wholly unfair of me to review a movie that I consider to be the worst movie of all time now that 20 years has lapsed since its release. Especially considering how dillutted it’s become since found footage films flooded the market over the years. I remember seeing this movie with my mom, who we have both bonded over horror movies since as far back as I can remember. We had been following articles in the newspaper about this crazy scary movie called The Blair Witch Project. I remember standing in the parking lot talking to my mom after the movie, before went back to our separate homes in 1999. As a matter of fact, I sent Groovinator, The Cynical Cyborg to use his time travel shit to interview myself 20 years ago in that same parking lot after my mom left, and the parking lot was basically empty. Here is a transcript of that interview:
Groovinator: Adam Wilcox? Wow, your so…thin… kind of good looking too! Are you REALLY Adam Wilcox?
1999 Adam: Uh…who the fuck are you?
Groovinator: I am Groovinator, a cynical cyborg from the future. I been sent back in time by you to ask you about the movie you just saw.
1999 Adam: Oh yeah? Seems like a waste of good resources, what do time machines run on regular gas in the future or what? *lights a cigarette*
Groovinator: The movie dude…
1999 Adam: Fuckin sucked!
Groovinator: …….Care to elaborate?
1999 Adam: For like weeks, the fucker paper, the news, the tv, and literally every asshole I work with, won’t shut up about this fuckin movie. You say your from the future, you seen it?
1999 Adam: So then you know that I just spent $8.50 a piece on me and my mom to see some sticks and stones. Fucking nothing happens. You see nothing. All the people are stupid. The camera shakes so bad you can’t see shit, and I almost got dizzy a couple of times. They shoulda handed out like puke bags or some shit. It was so bad that nobody said nothing but this big dude down front chucked his soda at the screen when the house lights went up, and nobody even said shit, not even a blink. Not even the ushers! Sticks and stones dude! The guys that made this film are geniuses because they tricked the audience into paying to see sticks and stones. They deserve like the fucking Nobel peace prize or something!
Groovinator: Do you think it is real?
1999 Adam: Now you are starting to sound like my room mate. He went and saw it, and told me it was scary shit too. He even went to Barnes and Noble and bought the fucking book. I’ve seen the book, and it’s got some really cool shit in it, but fuckin none of that cool shit is in this movie. I guess they got this website you can go to, but I can’t afford a fucking computer man, I don’t even know anyone that has one. These kids interview some locals…that part was cool, but then they go into the woods, they hear some noises, they get lost. Then one of them goes missing, so they go chasing after him yelling JOSH JOSH JOSH for like a fuckin half a fuckin hour, then one of them is standing in a corner, and the camera hits the floor. That’s it. This movie is only 80 mins, but it’s still too fuckin long. I would ask for my money back, but I fuckin deserve this I guess…
Groovinator: Would you recommend this to a friend?
1999 Adam: Funny you should mention that, because everyone I know for 2 weeks is like, yeah go see this fucking movie. I think they just want me to go so that they don’t have to feel stupid. It’s like some kind of heard mentality or something. Everyone drank the cool-aid and thinks they saw some really scary thing. I mean it’s scary if your into campfire stories…ghost in the graveyard…shit like that. You know…holding a flashlight under your face and going “oooooooh spoooooooky noises….woooohoooo”. Know what I mean haha?
Groovinator: I’m familiar.
1999 Adam: In fact there was this one scene where the main girl holds a flashlight under her face and starts crying into the camera, and snot rockets are coming down her face…I wanted to laugh man, but I don’t like being a dick head in movie theaters.
Groovinator: There are a vocal minority of people that will appreciate that kind of theater etiquette in the future. Hang on to that. Also, maybe lay off the Taco Bell, beer, and smokes.
1999 Adam: Whatever dude…lol
Groovinator: So what are you going to tell all of your friends that made you go see this tomorrow?
1999 Adam: Pffft, that they are full of shit! I mean I know they are going to rag on me and waste all of this time trying to convince me that it was good, and they will probably hate me when I tell them it was a shit movie. In fact, I think this is the worst movie I have ever seen. Not ever changing my mind about that.
Groovinator: Why is it the worst?
1999 Adam: It’s the worst because it was built up so much, with almost a nothing payoff. Like, I was kind of buying into it. I got really excited, because I love spooky stories, paranormal shit, I’ve even seen things myself that I can’t explain. So I was like really excited going into this. It’s just so much nothing. I mean it’s a good set up, but it’s like having a half hour of foreplay, and then leaving with fuckin blue balls. I think that is the worst, when it builds you up, and delivers you nothing.
Groovinator: When was the moment you decided you hated it.
1999 Adam: Not long after they go into the woods, they wake up and the main girl Heather can’t find the map, and then nobody has it, and they start accusing each other, and I’m, thinking oh wow…now it’s getting good! Maybe the witch is turning them against each other, and this is slowly how it will end! Then like maybe ten minutes later, the sound guy…I think his name was Mike, he tells Heather he kicked the map in the river, and he was laughing about it. I’m like…omg why?! So after fighting about it for a while, they just decide to keep heading in the same direction, only after a day of walking, they wind up in the same spot they started, which happens to be a river. At this point, If it were me, realizing my compass wasn’t working, I would have just followed the river, but they don’t! They just keep walking, and crying about it. I mean these are supposed to be college kids, I don’t have any outdoor survival training, but I have SOME college…at least enough to think of it. I mean WTF?! It’s like they have no sense of self preservation. If this were supposed to be real…don’t you think they would at least TRY to survive? They don’t so when they get killed….it’s like I don’t fuckin care! I mean even in Halloween, you WANT to see Laurie Strode, get away, because she seems smart, determined, and while her friends are all out getting drunk and screwing around, she is the voice of common sense. She is the one the audience WANTS to identify with. In this Blair Witch Project movie, Heather is a bitch, who gets all of her friends in this predicament and then she just breaks down even more.
Groovinator: Wouldn’t you say that makes her more believable though as a character. I mean would a real life person be as smart as Laurie Strode.
1999 Adam: Maybe, I mean the kids were scared, and there were some spots where there were some spooky noises that I appreciated. Those moments made the hairs on my arm stand up. But that’s the thing man, I mean this movie tells us at the beginning, that all of these people went missing, bodies were never found, only the tapes. So you already KNOW they are going to fuck up, so you are just waiting for the foolishness to occur. So when it does your thinking….what a dumb ass. And that is something else that bugged me. Who found the tape? Where did they find the tape? Did the witch conveniently deliver it? This is why I can’t buy into the supernatural part of this movie. But the fact that these three kids have an overall lack of self preservation doesn’t make me believe this movie could be real. It’s like one big fucking con job.
Groovinator: Interesting. So if you could give this movie a score out of say 5 cheese curds, what would you give it?
1999 Adam: Why cheese curds? What’s wrong with stars?
Groovinator: It’s just a thing that your dumb ass came up with, don’t ask.
1999 Adam: Haha. Fair enough! I would give this movie 1 out of 5 cheese curds, for having a super brilliant marketing campaign. It kind of reminds me of what Orson Wells did with War of the Worlds. That mass hysteria thing still seems to work.
Groovinator: What if I told you that this movie will have a significant impact on pop culture and start an entire subgenre within horror itself known as “found footage films”?
1999 Adam: So it IS a movie right? Haha!
Groovinator: Yeah, I think we are past that already.
1999 Adam: Well it that case, I would give it 2 out of 5 cheese curds for having such a lasting impact on pop culture, especially over a stupid fuckin movie like this one. God the future must be fucking sad. I won’t change my mind about how much I hate this movie though…ever. Worst movie ever!
Groovinator: Don’t worry, you won’t.