by Adam Wilcox
Wow this one was painful. Several of you recommended this one to me, and damn you for doing so…however…this is The Fin! I have a certain amount of abuse that I am willing to submit too, or else this place would not exist. I value all of your input with equal enthusiasm so I will bite…no pun intended. Or maybe you just enjoy my sarcasm that much. So yeah, Shark Exorcist. Even bad movies still have to be movies. Meaning that in order to be an actual movie, you have to have a beginning, a middle, and an end. And usually, if you did your homework, some sort of climax, followed by a resolution. Shark Exorcist seems to be a long series of failed starts. Even at it’s modest 70 minute mark, it wears out it’s welcome way too early, and is not sure how it wants to end. So we know from the beginning that some “evil nun”, who we know is a nun because she is wearing the nun’s habit she bought at Party City earlier, sacrifices some blonde and calls on the powers of satan to send a demon. Then we flash to a bad shark screensaver left over from 2005, who is colored red, and has red glowing eyes. Cute. Flash forward to “one year later”, not sure why that’s important, but stay with me here. Three girls are going to a lake to swim and work on the tan. We can only assume that from the bad tramp stamp tattoos and over the top cheap outfits that the 6 or 7 cast members that populate this “film” probably all work at the same strip club. Well, one of them get’s bit and miraculously recovers in a hospital a few weeks later. We know she is somewhat different because her friends say so, and they keep telling us that she is obsessed with water, and sleeping. As the film progresses, we are not sure if she is possessed, or if she happens to be the shark. We always see the demon shark in the same poses for about 3 or 4 frames, about 3 or 4 times during the movie. We can only assume she has some sort of kinship with the shark at this point. Suddenly a priest appears, and from one sloppy flashback, we can assume that he has seen his fair share of stripper possession…or some sort of possession. Things want to get mildly interesting when one female “paranormal investigator” thinks she can conjure the demons to possess her by calling out to the powers of the evil waters. There is some humor in this, but not enough of it. The priest visits the girls and wants to tell a story to one of them…but no story is told. Instead we are whisked away to another scene where a sorority initiation involves two girls having to survive Paris Landing…only NOW does the director tell us that several shark attacks occurred a year earlier. Even then we are not sure what happens. I realize this is a low budget movie…but the special effects are downright insulting here. I have seen youtube movies made by teenagers that were scarier. Whenever we see a victim here, we see a girl covered with about half a bottle of generic ketchup, and then we flash to that damn screensaver again. Suddenly we are whisked away again to a local carnival where our shark possessed girl finally shows her pointy teeth…and just as she is about to attack, we are whisked away again to another seen where the priest is trying to exorcise her. So help me god….she spits green pea soup on the guy while he yells “The power of Christ commands you!”, and the other girl says “We are going to need a bigger crucifix”. I don’t know if this was supposed to be intentionally funny, but by this point, it’s just too damn late to matter. At some point, the priest lets the demon possess him, and a shark comes down out of the moon, and we are whisked away once again to yet another scene that doesn’t make a lick of sense. For whatever reason we are introduced to yet another character that has not been identified, a sunbather, and the nun shows up again. This time one of the other girls rises up out of the water and bites the nun. Are you lost yet? Well so am I. At no point during this movie am I convinced that the shark even exists. I am actually not sure how the shark even got into the title of the movie, because at no point in this movie does a shark have even a lick of relevance to anything at all other than to put a shark into the title. Simply put, the Shark Exorcist never earns the name of it’s own title. Flash to credits, but wait…it get’s worse. After the credits…we are introduced to a teenage girl that is in a shark gift shop who is more than obsessed with shark merchandise. We have no idea who she is, but she has some sort of break down and spits orange juice at the camera. And then there is more credits, and yet even another scene that has our “paranormal investigator” lady spitting pea soup at the camera in front of a museum. This is one of those stinkers where I am like….oh crap, we are not done yet? I honestly do not even know why this movie is rated R. We got ketchup for gore, and a bad screen saver as the shark. There is no nudity in this film. Scantily clad women…yeah…maybe a few swear words…but hard to differentiate because the score of this film often drowns out what little dialogue is to be heard. Textbook bad sound editing. I don’t know who crowd funded this turd to be made, but honestly, this is one, you should just leave alone. The picture, and the title of the movie are more ambitious than the sum of all of it’s sparsely populated parts. Avoid at all costs. 1 out of 5 cheese curds. The title is the best part. Painful to watch. The power of christ commands me to never watch this crap ever again.